The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

Write for Us
Want your voice to be heard? Submit a letter to the editor, send us an op-ed pitch or check out our open positions for the chance to be published by the Daily Utah Chronicle.
@TheChrony
Print Issues
Write for Us
Want your voice to be heard? Submit a letter to the editor, send us an op-ed pitch or check out our open positions for the chance to be published by the Daily Utah Chronicle.
@TheChrony
Print Issues

Satire: 10 Pro Tips For Slaying Your Finals

It’s finals time! If you’ve spent more time skiing in the mountains or in your dorm watching Netflix than you have in class this semester, you might not be feeling very well at the moment. Lucky for you, we’ve compiled the ultimate guide to succeeding during finals week. Use any combination of the tips listed below to ensure a successful end to your semester.

1. It is important to curry favor with the Finals Gods, and they demand sacrifice. No, not studying. Actual sacrifice. As in, you need to make an altar out of your semester’s textbooks, upon which you must sacrifice some animal known for its intelligence. Dogs, chimps and dolphins work great.

2. Speaking of animals, find out what your professor’s favorite animal is. Then draw an adorable cartoon of said animal on your test to endear yourself to them and give you those few extra points.

3. Whenever you encounter a multiple choice question to which you do not know the answer, just put C. Every time.

4. If your final is all free-response essays, the secret is to write in handwriting that is on the verge of being illegible. If you write long enough in bad enough penmanship, your professor will decide it’s more trouble than it’s worth to decipher and just give you the B you really want. Using a neon-colored pen can achieve the same results.

5. They say interactive learning is the best kind of learning. So instead of just reviewing your notes, turn them into some awesome rock lyrics and form a band to perform them. That will be a lot more memorable than your regular studying routine.

6. Show your appreciation to your professor for their work this semester by buying them a bottle of fine wine. Give it to them when you turn in your final with a note saying, “Here’s something to help you get through the burden of grading all these finals.” (Full disclosure: This might actually backfire. Use caution.)

7. It’s important to hype yourself up before taking your final. Stand in the hallway outside your classroom and listen to “Eye of the Tiger.” Or proclaim loudly to the world that you are a champion.

8. Before you turn in your final, spray it with some sexy perfume to set it apart from your classmates’ finals that only smell like boring old paper.

9. In order to disguise your lack of knowledge, use big words, inverted syntax and run-on sentences. It’s only important that you give the appearance of having an original thought.

10. If all else fails, drink a lot of water before going in and then pee your pants during the final. Your professor will give you an A out of pity.

[email protected]

Leave a Comment

Comments (0)

The Daily Utah Chronicle welcomes comments from our community. However, the Daily Utah Chronicle reserves the right to accept or deny user comments. A comment may be denied or removed if any of its content meets one or more of the following criteria: obscenity, profanity, racism, sexism, or hateful content; threats or encouragement of violent or illegal behavior; excessively long, off-topic or repetitive content; the use of threatening language or personal attacks against Chronicle members; posts violating copyright or trademark law; and advertisement or promotion of products, services, entities or individuals. Users who habitually post comments that must be removed may be blocked from commenting. In the case of duplicate or near-identical comments by the same user, only the first submission will be accepted. This includes comments posted across multiple articles. You can read more about our comment policy at https://dailyutahchronicle.com/comment-faqs/.
All The Daily Utah Chronicle Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *