U Bans PDA Next Semester

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By Justin Adams

Young couples on campus beware: the U is banning public displays of affection on campus next school year.

The change comes after ASUU overwhelmingly passed legislation that prohibits PDA on campus. That includes kissing, hugging, holding hands or maintaining eye contact for more than three seconds.

“I think it’s safe to say that everyone is tired of seeing young happy couples expressing their love publicly. It really just makes you sick, and it was about time we put a stop to it,” ASUU President Ambra Jackson said. Sources close to Jackson say the legislation has nothing to do with her recent breakup.

Reactions to the new legislation have been mixed. Chastety Jones, the President of the LDS Student Association says she likes the change.

“I think it’s great that the U is finally cracking down on all the immorality on campus,” Jones said. “The experience of giving someone a hug is so intimate that it should be saved for marriage, not flaunted on the sidewalks of our campus.”

Thomas Barnes, on the other hand, is not a big fan of the new restrictions on PDA. “They’re infringing on my right to bear arms,” he explains. “Whose arms you ask? My girlfriend’s arms. I believe holding hands is a constitutional right and I don’t think the U will get away with this.”

A somewhat surprising critic of the legislation is the Center for Disease Control. They say that a ban on public displays of affection will inevitably lead to a significant spike in private displays of affection. Consequently, they are predicting a 600 percent increase in venereal disease among U students.

Students who are caught engaging in PDA will be given the choice of paying a ten thousand dollar fine or being subjected to a Biblical stoning.

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