The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

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Write for Us
Want your voice to be heard? Submit a letter to the editor, send us an op-ed pitch or check out our open positions for the chance to be published by the Daily Utah Chronicle.
@TheChrony
Print Issues

Satire: President Pershing Welcomes Students to the U

(The following transcript was taken from President Pershing’s speech at the University’s Welcome Week Event)

 

Students! Welcome to 2015’s Fall Semester! Here at the grand ole’ University of Utah we are ready to start this academic year off right. For those of you who are not long-time residents of Utah, I’d like to remind you of a few activities that are prohibited in this mountainous utopia we call home. Be advised that drinking, fraternizing, winking, silly stringing, skipping and, of course, general fun-having are not allowed here. Oh, and just like I always tell students, when in doubt, don’t go out.

Some of the department heads have asked me to share a few things with the underclassmen. I know that these wise words will help you plot your academic course here at the U!

From the Math Department:

“Who said math has to be hard? Well, math doesn’t have to be anything, but here at the U we’ll ensure that the stress-cramming you’ll experience in your introductory classes alone will shave a few years off your life. Find that alarming? What’s alarming is the number of people who don’t know how to properly apply the law of cosines. Before complaining about our cryptic teaching styles, I would direct you to our priority list: research, researching research and pensively gazing out of windows. Because our contract only mandates that a breathing homosapien be standing at the front of the room during lecture hours, please don’t assume you’ll learn the necessary concepts in class. No, for that you’d do well to consult the math wizards who roam the catacombs of the LCB. Be warned — they often demand compensation in the form of large prime numbers.”

Now, a few words from the College of Humanities:

“Welcome future thinkers of America! Come check out the many courses we offer here in the College of Humanities. This year we’ll be offering a course on the relationship between 19th century oil painting and the development and expansion of McDonald’s franchises throughout the Middle-East. Some of the other departments feel the courses we teach do not prepare students to land jobs in this crazy world. ‘How can humanities majors possibly hope for more than an entry level job at, say, McDonalds?’ they ask. Well, I ask in turn: what do Ghandi, Alexander the Great, Lincoln and Socrates all have in common? They were all humans, which means they would have likely majored in the humanities given the chance. Please give us a chance. We provide free coffee and pie every Wednesday.”

And, finally, the College of Business:

“Do you like playing Monopoly, wearing suits and watching people cry after they’ve been fired? Yes? Then you’ll feel right at home in the business school! We start incoming students off with exciting courses in tax evasion, cigar selecting, lobbying and condescending look-giving. Second semester brings the chance to personally meet with and thank long-time professionals for their service and to tell them that, for the very first time, their jobs have been outsourced to China. I suppose not all of you will be wanting to take the management track I have been describing, and that’s all well and good. Our accounting program gives students the chance to count some of the very first beans of the harvest! Finance majors get to go on a week-long excursion of Wall Street during their junior year. Think ‘Wolf Of Wall Street,’ only with less cocaine.”

Well students, I trust that during this year you will fashion some of your life’s most tender memories.

Pershing Out.

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