Welcome to Part One of our one-part series, the Chronicle Weather Report, where we tell you what’s going on outside so you don’t have to look out the window.

Today’s forecast calls for moderate to severe sunshine, amidst some amount of clouds, with a zero percent chance of rain (with a margin of error of 100 percent).

EARTHQUAKE WATCH: As we all know, Salt Lake City and the U lie on the Wasatch fault, which will eventually trigger a catastrophic earthquake that will likely claim most of our lives. We don’t have any predictions for when this will happen; we just wanted to remind you of the fragile nature of life. As Thomas Hobbes once said, “Life is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short, so #YOLO.”

Our weather instruments have detected a high concentration of Sodium Chloride in northward breezes coming from the Utah Valley area. Our experts have theorized that the source is salty BYU football fans who have realized that they’ll never again be competitive with the Utes.

Now we’ll go over to Mike, who has next week’s forecast.

Mike: Thanks, Jim. As you can see, next week is a little up-and-down, but hey, it’s a Utah spring after all. For Monday we have a high of 40 degrees Fahrenheit with a 100 percent chance of rain, but don’t worry, Tuesday will be back up to a balmy 70 degrees. But you better bundle up for Wednesday, when a polar vortex will hit the state with temperatures of below zero and an estimated four feet of snow in the valley. No need to panic, though, because on Thursday it looks like we can expect the foretold Biblical apocalypse, when Satan himself will rise from the depths of hell and turn the world into a fiery wasteland of dust and ash and sunburn, so that snowfall will melt pretty quickly.

Jim: Thanks, Mike. Now to finish our Weather Report, we have a photo of the beautiful weather outside submitted to us by one of our viewers, which is nice because we’ve been able to fire all of our photographers.