Satire: Following BYU’s Reversal on Caffeine, Utah Decides to Sell Alcohol, Marijuana on Campus


By Justin Adams

Not to be outdone by BYU’s announcement on Thursday that it would now be selling caffeinated drinks on campus, the University of Utah announced today that it will soon be opening an on-campus liquor store as well as a marijuana dispensary.

“We’ve always taken pride in being much edgier than those nerds down at BYU,” said University President David Pershing to a group of reporters. “Now that they’ve stepped their game up by selling caffeine, we have to step up ours as well.”

Pershing said that the liquor store and marijuana dispensary, tentatively called U Drink and U Smoke respectively, could be up and running by the start of spring semester.

The fact that marijuana remains illegal in the state of Utah doesn’t seem to concern Pershing. “Even my old pal Orrin Hatch is hopping on the ganja train, so I think we’ll be okay,” he said. “Besides, I’ve already announced my resignation, so might as well go out with a bong — I mean bang.”

Students at the U seem surprisingly ambivalent about the change. One student who spoke on condition of anonymity told The Utah Chronicle he may not even buy from the new marijuana dispensary. “I already have a dealer I like who operates out of the basement of a certain building on campus, so to me, it’s not that big of a deal.”

A spokesperson for BYU said it is considering another policy change in response to Utah’s escalation of comparative edginess. “We’re not ruling out the implementation of a new policy that would allow flip-flops on campus. We’re even looking at lifting the ban on leggings and non-traditional hair colors.”

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(This is satire)