The Daily Utah Chronicle

Fans of VidAngel Streaming Service Mourn Loss of “Safe Space”


Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints took to social media this week to voice their displeasure at the ongoing legal battles of VidAngel, the video streaming service that allows users to filter “objectionable” material.
The Utah-based company was recently fined $10,000 for contempt of court and has shut down streaming operations, leaving many Utahns without a trigger-free movie-viewing experience.
“It’s just not fair,” says Charity Smith, a junior at BYU. “It’s just like, uhm, freedom of speech, you know? Like in the Constitution.”
A group of concerned citizens have started a petition to show their support for VidAngel. Their manifesto reads, “We need a safe space. We demand a way to watch any movie we want, without having to be exposed to anything we find offensive, disagreeable, or triggering, including but not limited to: violence, nudity, swears, references to evolution or climate change, gay stuff, liberal-Hollywood propaganda, anything that challenges our pre-existing world-view or anything that helps us to empathize with people who might have different life experiences than we do.”
The group is also organizing an event where distraught VidAngel fans can try to overcome their grief and anxiety by playing with puppies or doing arts and crafts. The event will conclude with a screening of a filtered version of “The Wolf of Wall Street,” which will last for about five minutes.

A Rapist, Two Domestic Abusers, and a Rapper Walk Into a Boxing ring…

If you have been on Instagram since New Year’s, you are probably more familiar than you’d care to be with the Chris Brown and Soulja Boy feud. If not, here’s the 60-second summary:

Soulja Boy liked a picture of Brown’s ex on Instagram. Brown took offense. The two exchanged a series of expletive-laden insults and threats on Instagram and Twitter. Finally, they agreed to settle their beef in the boxing ring.

Bizarre, right? Well, that’s just the start. Soulja Boy, who claims that the feud is rooted in Brown’s abuse of Rihanna, recruited a convicted domestic abuser — Floyd Mayweather — to be his trainer and promote the fight. Brown, who punched and choked Rihanna until she was unconscious in 2008, and pled guilty to assault, hired a convicted rapist — Mike Tyson — to lead his corner.

It sounds like a bad joke. A rapist, two men with a history of domestic violence, and a rapper walk into a boxing ring … What a way to resolve a dispute over a woman.

Yet, the fight goes on. This shouldn’t be surprising. Chris Brown has more Instagram followers than Barack Obama, Donald Trump, the Pope, The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal: combined. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions about what that says about society.

This goes without saying, but don’t purchase the fight. It will be available on pay-per-view in March. We can’t condone or reward abuse. Similarly, it’s high time that we stop idolizing and obsessing over celebrities and start promoting genuinely admirable role models for young people to emulate.

Donald Trump Announces White House Decoration Plans


Following Donald Trump’s shocking election night victory two weeks ago, many people have concerns. Not one of those concerns is how the new President will decorate the White House. However, that’s what Trump chose to speak about this morning from Trump Tower in New York City.

“I can tell you this,” he said to a room of reporters. “We’re going to make the White House great again. It’s going to be so classy, believe me. I’m going to surround myself with the best furnishings. The best! I’m talking solid gold door handles, Egyptian cotton bath towels, and we’re going to replace all those founding fathers’ portraits with pictures of myself. I mean, c’mon. Look at my face. Isn’t it beautiful?”

Soon after delivering these statements, the press were dismissed after they upset Trump by asking such questions as, “Shouldn’t you be buying American cotton?” “Did your charity foundation buy all the portraits of yourself?” and “Have you ever read the story of Narcissus?”

Insiders within the Trump transition team say that he is even considering the creation of a new cabinet position, tentatively called the “Secretary of Class” whose job will be to ensure that all Federal Buildings nationwide satisfy Trump’s standards of “classiness.”

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Search And Rescue Operation Begins On Campus

Inside of the LNCO, where most humanities courses at the University of Utah are located. Chronicle archives.

Inside of the LNCO, where most humanities courses at the University of Utah are located. Chronicle archives.

The U began a search and rescue operation today after a student has been reportedly missing within the depths of LNCO for 36 hours. The student, James McDougal, apparently entered the building Thursday afternoon and has not been seen since.

Susan McDougal, James’ mother, said that she received a text message from her son that night that said, “help, I’m lost in this janky-AF building. Please send rescue.” Since then, she hasn’t received any more messages. Search and rescue experts suspect that James McDougal’s phone has died.

The U is calling for able-bodied volunteers to gather outside the doors of LNCO. They are requesting  especially volunteers who have experience in navigating the treacherously confusing hallways of the Languange and Communications building.

This is the third such incident this semester. University administration is considering how to reduce that number, such as putting signs on all the doors of LNCO that warn students to only enter if they are accompanied by a friend who is familiar with the building or to leave a trail of bread crumbs behind them.

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Journalists Want President Trump


Across the nation, millions of politically active citizens have cast their ballots early. Posted in front of coffee shops and food trucks like sentient gargoyles are dozens of volunteers, urgently pushing for others to register to vote. By the middle of this week, millions of Americans will have participated in a process established by our brave forefathers hundreds of years ago. Yet within the underpinnings of this political cycle, there are thousands of journalists silently dreading Nov. 9 — myself included.

Over the course of the last year, politics have become a pseudo-obsession for American citizens. Seemingly everyone has memorized a set of Donald Trump quotes, preparing for lively banter during breaks at the water cooler. Regardless of political affiliation, both major party candidates are polling at historically unfavorable rates. Instead of stories about living conditions in Aleppo, citizens are fed content of presidential nominees asking, “What is Aleppo?”

Journalists, trained to pick up on these subtle cravings, have met demands for political coverage, largely to their own detriment.

Ordinarily, the conclusion of the presidential election is cause for celebration, especially in swing states like Ohio and Florida. However, when this election cycle finally ends on Nov. 8, the nation will be thrown into a state of unprecedented withdrawal. While Trump and his battalion of highly-educated supporters will likely stage a few protests, his endless stream of commentary will eventually cease. Hillary Clinton will escape impeding investigations about her emails, and a sense of normalcy will descend upon the United States. For many, it will resemble the feeling of waking up from a nightmare in which one needed to educate Gary Johnson about foreign affairs.

This general lack of national campaigning will be quite disastrous for the journalists who have based their careers on the current presidential race. Each day, Trump has gifted the media with a sea of statements, each requiring a full panel of staff to comprehend. Culminating over the last year, many have simply grown accustomed to the daily source of content produced by the Republican nominee. As he fades from the national spotlight, what will the media cover? Sure, there are plenty of global occurrences that need coverage. But what’s more interesting: a story about rising EpiPen costs, or Trump accusing Bill Clinton of abusing women? Worker’s rights violations in Congo, or Hillary Clinton’s campaign receiving questions prior to primary debates? These are the stories that have captivated Americans nationwide.

When the election ends, this booming industry will come to a halt.

Which is particularly concerning for journalists, who are left wondering what we even wrote about before Trump, is that if Hillary Clinton becomes president, there will likely be a few months of stories to cover. Fresh Supreme Court justices will be appointed, and a few healthcare bills will likely be passed. But that isn’t enough to get America its political news fix; rather, it’s only satisfactory for those who are tired of excitement. In other words, it’ll be Mitch McConnell, current Senate Majority Leader, exemplifying the theme of the year to come:

The year of the turtle, America. That’s what we’re facing.

So where do we go from here? With so much yet to be decided, there are three possible scenarios. Let me break them down for you:

Scenario one: Hillary Clinton wins the presidency, which is what many are currently predicting. If this occurs, one can expect that politics will continue as usual. Judge Merrick Garland will be appointed to the Supreme Court, and President Clinton will attempt to reform healthcare.

Scenario two: Evan McMullin wins Utah. Refer to Scenario 1.

Scenario three: Trump wins the election. If this happens, contact that one crazy coworker of yours and ask if they have extra space in their fallout shelter. America will become more monochromatic than ever, aside from the state-sponsored spray-tan program that will be initiated by President Trump. 

Clearly, in the interest of journalists nationwide, scenario 3 is the only option that can be considered preferable.

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Donald Trump Bows Out Of Race In Shocking Display Of Humility


Donald Trump shook the political world Saturday morning when he announced that he would be dropping out of the Presidential race.

“I’ve come to the realization that, as many have said, I am unfit to be President,” said Trump at the surprise press conference. “I took a good long look in the mirror and realized that I am a deplorable narcissistic a-hole. Such a person has no business in pursuing the office of the Presidency.”

When asked what he will do now, Mr. Trump said that he plans to set out on a journey of self-redemption and discovery. “I’m a lost person,” he said. “I need to find myself. I need to fix this mess. First I’m going to personally apologize to everyone I’ve insulted. then I’m going to donate my entire fortune to charity. And then I’m going to go isolate myself in the mountains to purge my soul through the art of meditation and mindfulness and hopefully, become a new man.”

Multiple representatives of the Trump campaign expressed joy in not having to pretend to like or support Mr. Trump any more. “Honestly, we were all in this for the money. We know Trump’s an idiot,” said a high-ranking Trump campaign surrogate who spoke on condition of anonymity.


Happy #Satireday



U Student Dies While Waiting In Panda Express Line

U Student Dies While Waiting In Panda Express Line

University of Utah campus police released details Saturday of a student who died this week in the Union cafeteria.

Witnesses say that Fred Douglas passed away while waiting in line for Panda Express.

“I mean, he looked pretty old when he got in line,” says Emily Johnson who was in the cafeteria that day. “He was maybe in his 40’s. But the line was so long that by the time he finally got to the front of the line he had aged another forty years and suddenly died of old age.”

This is the fourth such death to occur in the Panda Express line this school year. Stephen Warding, director of the Union Cafeteria says that they are hoping to take steps to decrease the number of students who die of old age while waiting to get some Chinese food. “The problem,” he says, “is that students all get in line at the same time. If you get in line for Panda Express around lunch time, you better be careful cause you might be there for hours, if not decades, before you get your food.”


Obituary: Thanksgiving Holiday Remembered


The Thanksgiving Holiday passed away this week on November 1st. Its death was marked by a sudden explosion of Christmas decoration, marketing, music, and advertising on the day following Halloween. Those close to the holiday of gratitude say that it has been struggling for years, battling the slowly expanding Christmas season, increasingly overshadowed by Black Fridays that begin earlier and earlier each year, and of course the dwindling popularity of the NFL, a long-standing Thanksgiving tradition. The recent surging popularity of “pumpkin spice” gave Thanksgiving a few more years of life, but in the end it wasn’t enough to preserve the holiday.

Those who were close to the holiday say they will remember it as a decent one. Definitely not their favorite, but at least there was a lot of food. Grandma’s turkey was a little dry last year though.

Thanksgiving is survived by its much more commercially successful relatives, Christmas, Halloween, New Year’s, and Valentine’s Day.


Happy #Satireday


Trump’s Winning Temperament Will Lead him to Victory


Following the first presidential debate on Sept. 26, many in the routinely-biased media declared Hillary Clinton the outright winner. Political pundits — paid for their professional expertise — crammed the airways, lauding Clinton’s “superior knowledge.” Yet what these individuals repeatedly failed to comprehend is the undeniable truth: boisterous passion beats intelligence, every time. In the most prolific moment of the night, Donald Trump boldly asserted, “I think my strongest asset, maybe by far, is my temperament. I have a winning temperament…” Truer words had yet to be spoken.

Now, I’m sure most intellectuals won’t immediately understand, so allow me to explain. When Trump highlighted his winning temperament, many were understandably incapable of grasping this reality. Often, Trump’s intelligence is taken for granted. Thus, it’s crucial to humble oneself when listening to his political sermons. After allowing some time for personal reflection, I experienced an epiphany; indeed, Trump’s winning temperament has been subtly proven throughout the course of his entire campaign.

Since the beginning, Trump has been unafraid to speak his mind, which is an attribute America lost years ago. During primary campaign rallies, this Republican hero wasn’t afraid to tell supporters to punch protestors in the face, vowing to pay the resulting legal fees. When Megyn Kelly treated him poorly during a debate, Trump lashed out, showing even conservative media figures that he wouldn’t be submissive. Furthermore, he single-handedly ended the myth that journalists are truthful, once stating, “I think the media is among the most dishonest groups of people I’ve ever met.” Who would possibly disagree? Maybe PolitiFact, which found that Trump lies nearly 70 percent of the time. But then again, what do these hacks know about truth?

Trump has always stood up for his principles, especially when it comes to business. While many in the media blast the GOP candidate for filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy four times, ardent fans are able to understand this as a clever tactic. Truly, it’s difficult to grasp why Trump isn’t soaring nationally. According to Trump himself, he could “stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody,” and he still wouldn’t lose voters. So what’s preventing him from self-actualizing?

That can be attributed to the defamatory rumors that have begun swirling around Trump’s tax returns from 1995. As reported by the New York Times, “Donald Trump filed losses worth $915,729,293 in federal taxable income.” This meant that for the next 18 years, the business icon didn’t have to pay income taxes. For those who see it as a constitutional right to abstain from paying taxes, Trump is a hero. Conversely, the Clinton campaign has claimed that Trump willfully evaded these payments. However, what Clinton fails to comprehend is that most citizens in the United States are simply unable to find these tax loopholes. Thus, for nearly two decades, Trump silently protested solely to shed light on this broken institution.

Yet nothing quite compares to Trump’s rally in Pennsylvania shortly after the first debate. Speaking about Clinton, he said, “And I’ll tell you the other thing: she’s an incompetent woman. And I’ve seen it. She’s an incompetent woman.” He went further, questioning whether she was “loyal” to Bill Clinton. This undoubtedly stole mass support from the Clinton campaign. See, Trump’s ability to question Clinton’s four decades of public service shows that he is not a fool; instead, he is able to see past her facade. When Trump went completely off script during the same rally, he demonstrated an ability to entertain live audiences. The last time this nation had a president who could act was Reagan, which by extension means that Trump is his reincarnated form.

Ultimately, Trump displays the best of what the Republic party has to offer: humor, passion and the best tax strategies. His charm, charisma and masterful temperament are proof that he is the only candidate able to make America great again. His expertise in bankruptcy law lets voters rest easy, knowing that if his actions lead us to a financial crisis, we can easily rebound. This fall, do your country a favor and ignore statistics. Ignore your coworkers who gather by the water fountain to talk politics. Most importantly, ignore your conscience. Vote with your gut, because it knows that America needs Donald Trump.

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Photo Gallery – Highlights of Utah’s 20-19 Victory Over BYU

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