Godzilla vs. Cool Lookin? Ken II: This Time, It’s Still Personal

By , , , and

Scene I: A research lab in Japan

(Ominous techno music plays in the background)

Scientist A: Now that Cool Lookin? Ken has vanquished Godzilla, we?ll resume drilling to the core of the Earth.

Scientist B: Yes, we will find the ultimate power so we can pollute forever!(They laugh menacingly).

Scientist C, a.k.a., sole voice of reason: NO, you fools, you?ll kill us all! Godzilla is not dead. He?s only sleeping on the ocean floor.

Scientist A: Impossible! Cool Lookin? Ken is super cool and super strong. It is impossible that Godzilla survived.

Scene II: Bottom of the ocean floor (more techno music, now with thrasher metal overtones.) (Giant drill that looks suspiciously like a hand-held drill with a driver?s seat blue screened onto it approaches the Earth’s crust.)

Worker A: Ready to commence drilling.

Worker B: Drill commencing.

(Large clouds of dust form. Suddenly, the camera begins to shake.)

Worker B: Something is wrong. There?s too much power!

(Gigantic shape with glowing red eyes passes in front.)

Worker B: AAAHH! Godzilla has returned! Godzilla has returned!

Worker A: It?s not Godzilla! Godzilla has blue eyes?only Mothra has red eyes.

Worker B, (shrugging his shoulders): My bad. Resume drilling.

(More clouds of dust. Suddenly, giant creature with blue eyes rises, knocking the drill down before rising to the surface.)

Worker B: AAAHH! Godzilla has returned! Godzilla has returned!

Worker A: Or possibly George Foreman. He also has blue eyes.

Worker B: Foreman does not have blue eyes, you moron! He has a grill!

Scene III: Godzilla smashes a paper-mache version of Tokyo. (theme music for WWF?s The Undertaker plays.)

(Cut to terrified citizen running around on devastated street.)

Citizen: Godzilla has destroyed everything! Even Man Ray?s ?Indestructible Object!??plus my house.

Scene IV: California

(Beach Boys plays in the background as Cool Lookin? Ken lounges in the hot tub with Independent Counsel Barbie.)

Barbie: After saving Japan from Godzilla last year, you are even more attractive, Ken.

Ken: Enough about my looks. Don?t you appreciate me for my sense of humor, intelligence or personality?

Barbie: If I had wanted someone with brains, I would have dated Cool Lookin? Alan Greenspan?say, do you want to make out?

Ken: Sure.

(Gratuitous scene follows, which frankly does nothing to further the plot, but is nonetheless essential to the artistic integrity of the film.)

Scene V: Later that night, California

(Giant pink phone rings.)

Ken: Who could be calling at the this hour? I need to get up in just a few hours for my job as a social worker.

(He answers the phone.)

Japanese Prime Minister: Ken, this is the prime minister of Japan. We need your help?Godzilla has returned.

Ken: Again?! Have you been drilling on the ocean floor again?

Prime Minister: Maybe.

Ken: I’ve told you dozens of time to stop doing that. You know it wakes Godzilla up.

Prime Minister: Just because he has woken up every time we drill doesn’t necessarily mean there is a correlation between the two. Besides, that is not what is important. Godzilla is back, and this time, he is exactly as destructive and unstoppable as he was last time.

Ken: Hum, exactly as unstoppable? Even though I stopped him last time I don’t like the sound of that.

(Pink phone starts blinking.)

Ken: Prime Minister, I’ve got a call on the other line.

Vince McMahon: Cool Lookin? Ken, this is Vince McMahon of the WWF. We need your help. Not only is Godzilla destroying our precious foreign markets, he’s also using The Undertaker’s copyrighted intro music!

Ken: How can a giant lizard be using copyrighted music?

McMahon: I don?t know, but I want the fight between you two as the headlining event for Wrestlemania.

Ken: Godzilla must be stopped now! We can’t wait for Pay-Per View.

Scene VI: Mountains near Tokyo

(Godzilla enters from the left, Cool Lookin? Ken from the right.)

Ken: Your latest reign of terror must be stopped, just like all the previous ones.

Godzilla : RAHHH!

(They fight, and after about four minutes, Godzilla throws Ken around the world. By the time Ken lands back where he started, Godzilla has gone.)

Ken: Ouch, Godzilla sure is tough. I wonder how I can beat him this time.

Voices from off camera: Leave that to us!

(Enter Jackie Chan and Mr. T)

Ken: Jackie Chan and Mr. T! What are you doing here?

Jackie: We saw you flying over America, and we decided you needed some help. Plus, this film needed an additional box-office draw.

T: And the producer owed me one, fool!

Jackie: Why do you keep on calling everyone fool? Ken graduated top of his class at Stanford.

T: Don?t try and confuse T, or I?ll bust you up good!

Ken: Guys, guys, calm down! What secret move can you teach me?

Jackie: The super thunder hair strike.

Ken: What?

Jackie: Just build up static electricity by stroking your hair, then head butt Godzilla.

T: And wear gold chains to increase the power, fool!

Ken: But how can we find him?

T: We?ll take my van. My van is fast, fool!

Scene VII: Final showdown in a live volcano

(Enter van.)

Ken: There he is. I better start brushing my hair.

(He brushes his hair lightning fast.)

Jackie: Strike him now, Ken.

(Ken rams Godzilla in the chest. Lightning explodes everywhere. Covered in lightning, Godzilla sinks into the lava.)

Ken: Where does this lava go?

Jackie: The ocean floor.

Ken: Doh!

Scene VIII: Ruins of Tokyo

?Voice of reason? scientist: When will mankind learn to stop drilling on the ocean floor? Only when we live at peace with nature can we?

McMahon: Stay tuned for next time, when Godzilla returns for revenge in a steel cage, Texas chainsaw, barbed-wire match. Godzilla, Rodan and Mothra versus Cool Lookin? Ken, Jackie Chan and Mr. T.?Only one will survive! And only?on Pay-Per View!

(Credits roll as ?Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows? plays.)