Due to an overwhelmingly positive response to the big ass stadium bleachers placed adjacent to Rice-Eccles Stadium on South Campus Drive for the Olympics, U administrators announced Monday that not only could we count on said bleachers to remain intact for generations to come, but that God and parking funds permitting, we should expect many more big ass stadium bleachers to spring up across campus in the months and years ahead.
“Plans are currently under way to install big-ass stadium bleachers at the intersection of 200 S. and University St., another at Foothill Drive and Wakara Way, and one more in the Union parking lot,” said Alex Keith, self-appointed Vice President of U Bleacher Affairs. “The idea being to make the university virtually impenetrable on all fronts.”
This heightened security arose from a number of anonymous threats received by Keith himself from what are believed to be several underground reactionary groups devoted solely to the miskeep and destruction of existing big-ass stadium bleachers and to the impediment of the construction of further such structures.
“It started out innocently enough,” Keith said. “People throwing rocks at them, leaning up against them. It was almost endearing. But this soon escalated into gentle beam-swaying and unsavory bleacher talk. The next thing I knew, I was being mailed photographs of my family with my children’s heads removed in Photoshop. These are sick, twisted folk we’re dealing with here.”
Keith is confident, though, that the new extensive bleacher fortress that will eventually surround the entire U campus will either ward off, confuse, or otherwise ward off all anti-bleacher activists and their no-good hippie friends.
“I just want the U to be a safe place for my children to get an education, and to marvel in the sight and power of the almighty bleacher,” Keith said.
“Incidentally Jimmy, if you’re reading this, your mother and I love you very much and are doing everything in our power to get you back.”
Solace may be closer than Keith suspects though, as insider reports indicate that subterranean anti-bleacher plots are on an exponential decline, and other sources suggest that the subversive threat to Keith’s family may have nearly abated.
“I wasn’t really kidnapped,” said Jimmy Keith, alleged kidnap victim. “My dad was just all freaking out with the bleacher thing you know, so I’ve been staying at my friend Cory’s house for the past week ‘cuz he’s got a Sega and his mom wears these really low cut blouses that really flatter her. My dad made all that other stuff up though. All I said once was that I thought the bleachers were pretty stupid and he’s just been really paranoid ever since. He’s always been a little bit off since mom left him for that construction worker.”
Keith however denies reports that the entire anti-bleacher movement was fabricated in his mind.
“I’m not crazy,” Keith said. “You’re the one that’s bleachers crazy! Bleachaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!”
But as for the rest of us, we can all take comfort in the strength and stability of these sleek, metallic fortresses, at least until they tear them down in a month or two. Wait, they are going to tear them down, right?
Right? Oh crap.
Disclaimer: The Comical is pure satire and appears at the beginning of every week on The Chronicle’s Web site. Please take the stories as jokes and don’t call your lawyer. Thanks.