Opposite Day Reeks Havoc Worldwide

In what was once a childhood excuse for putting a shirt on inside out or wearing the right shoe on the left foot and the left shoe on the right foot, Opposite Day became a reality last Wednesday.

Some experts claim that an inexplicable cosmic shift allowed the sun and moon to share the sky for a full 24 hours, which may have led to all the “opposite,” or uncommon, occurrences.

While a visible moon on a sunny day occurs once in a while, the 24-hour duration has scientists and astronomers searching for answers to this truly rare incident.

“At about midnight, when the sun and moon were still shining bright last Wednesday, I decided to call the phenomenon opposite day, just for kicks, you know,” said Dr. P. Dexter of the Institute of Cosmic Observation. “I didn’t realize all this other stuff was happening around the world,” said Dexter.

Some scientific experts suggest that the sun/moon phenomenon did not cause the “opposite” occurrences, but was simply part of the day of mayhem.

“Just because a few news sources constantly refer to us as experts, we’re supposed to be able to explain everything. This shit is crazy man, I have no idea what’s going on,” professor Del E. Reeum said.

The “crazy shit,” or oppositeness, didn’t reach deadly extremes like man biting dog, hamburgers eating people or TVs watching humans?instead, Opposite Day embodied societal role reversals and the normal day to-day occurrences getting flipped on their head.

The world witnessed the true meaning of peace as bombs ceased to fall on Afghanistan, suicide bombings halted and dialogue occurred between adversaries worldwide. However, the ones doing the talking were not typical world leaders. When working people skipped work in record numbers, the world leaders met the crisis by tightening their boot straps to take a stab at labor for the first time in their lives.

Working people congregated in government offices to hold mass meetings on the most realistic paths to end world conflict. Workers also passed legislation to grant living wages, create shorter work days, offer free health care, decriminalize gay marriage, legalize marijuana, halt the use of nuclear weapons manufacturing and give unconditional protection to all natural environments. They also passed multi-lingual education programs and demilitarized all borders worldwide.

Lesser-noticed Opposite Day occurrences came in the form of commercial-free radio with underground music dominating the airwaves.

In the United States, law enforcement left guns and tickets at the station and spent the day helping people instead of harassing the population.

Mario Gomez, a Latino high school student from San Diego, Calif., noticed the change in law enforcement attitudes. “I noticed the change when I didn’t get harassed by the cops in my neighborhood on the way to school,” he said. “I’ll always remember that Wednesday.”

With the same speed and mystery that it arrived with, Opposite Day ended. Things returned to what we see as normal.

“Opposite day was fun. We made a lot of changes and all we needed was a day. If these idiots in Washington try to take it all away, we just might have to do it again whether the sun and moon are up all day or not,” said Tanya Copeland, a black auto worker from Detroit who led a delegation of women off her work site to initiate and pass living wage legislation in Michigan.

“We don’t know how they did it, but those working people made a lot of changes and initiated a great number of programs in just one day. As a firm believer in democracy, I think the best thing we can do as a nation is return to a representative system in which voter turnout barely represents half of the U.S population, at best,” Utah Sen. Orrin Hatch said.

The majority of the Senate agrees with Hatch. Apparently, CEOs, stockholders and lawmakers all over the world went to work in the industries where they owned stock in order to keep some capital coming in. “Boy, am I glad that’s over. Working is hard. I sure hope I never have to do that again,” U.S. President George W. Bush said.

Political analysts estimate that it could take years, or even a decade, to dismantle the systems put in place by working people on Opposite Day.

Although the world may appear to have returned back to normal, soothsayers, sages and tarot-card readers agree that the affects of Opposite Day will reach far beyond the day’s events.

Editor’s Note: The Comical is a totally satirical Web feature. Please don’t sue. For more RED Herrings see www.red-mag.com.