Dear Jen,
I am 23 and I have a friend who is 38. This is a world that tolerates all sorts of relationships. My mother introduced me to this person, and I have to admit I didn’t want to meet the person. I was in a happy relationship with someone my own age when we first met, so this person has no idea that I might be interested. Can a relationship with 15 years between us really work? We have more in common than I might have thought, and I think that person is very attractive. What should I do?
Dear Catherine Zeta-Jones,
Can a relationship between two people 15 years apart in age work?
Hmm, my answer is somewhere between probably and I don’t know. Age disparity (lovely euphemism, isn’t it) is just another “difference,” albeit a big one, that couples run into. (OK, it was probably pretty evident from the start, but you get the point.) Either you two are going to be able to deal with it or not.
I know plenty of couples who deal with similarly weighty issues-marked differences in opinion surrounding religion, family, career and whether or not to see movies like “Hellboy.”
Some people can’t deal with such differences in a relationship-they feel too strongly one way and it causes problems.
If the age thing doesn’t bother either of you (I mean really bother you-of course it will be a bit odd at first) then go for it.
Men date younger women all the time and more women seem to be seeking the younger meat now more than ever. Thank you, Stifler’s mom!
However, you are going to want to make sure that he or she is completely comfortable with the situation before you proceed. You said that you were attracted to him or her, but is the feeling mutual? I’m not doubting that it is, but he or she is going to have to be pretty open-minded and head over-heels to bring a 23-year old home to meet Daddy.
Checkpoint No. 2: Are you sure that you want to date this person? You said that you and the older person have a lot in common, but make sure that you are pursuing him or her for the right reasons. It would be too bad if you lost a good relationship over something superficial.
OK, so let’s assume that you decide it is worth it, make your feelings known, she reciprocates, you two start dating. Now what?
For starters, take the emphasis off the age issue. Focus on the many things that you two have in common and try to push creepy thoughts-like the fact that you were 3 years old when he or she graduated from high school, out of your head.
Remember that you are not a 3-year-old dating an 18-year old-you both are adults. Beyond a certain point (some would say 18, I would say 21), age becomes less and less a factor.
I know 30-year-olds who act like 14-year-olds and vice versa. Maturity, not age, is the issue at hand.
Keep in mind, though, that there might be some generation-gap issues.
Also, remember that you two are in very different places in your life. You are probably just coming into your independence, career, etc…He or she may have different ambitions, commitment/family plans and the like.
The age thing will be a problem to overcome. It will either work or send you both looking for someone your own age.
