Calendarrrrrr Mateys!

April 19

Tuesday

Back in the day, Calendar was a young Webelos, working our way up the ladder in hopes of one day becoming an Eagle Scout. It was an era before scouts were viewed as concubines for their leaders and a time when rubbing sticks together was viewed as constructive.

On one memorable camping trip, Calendar was in charge of telling the ghost stories and cooking the hot dogs. Not one to pass up a golden opportunity, we smuggled Clorox tablets into the franks, then just sat back and waited for the camp fire.

Dusk fell, and just after Calendar finished the tale of the headless serial killing centaur lurking in the woods and poisoning unsuspecting boy scouts, our little “garnish” kicked in big time.

Sure, we missed a decimal and put 200 times more bleach in than we should have, and sure, now we have the deaths of 35 boy scouts on our conscience, but come on! Who else has that great a story from their youth?

One thing Calendar did manage to gain from that homophobic organization was how to tie a Slipknot at the E Center (3200 S. Decker Lane Dr.) for $35 at 7 p.m. It’s not really that hard. We practiced on the Scope-ridden intestines of dying ‘Nam vets lying in the gutter. You tell them you’re from the Salvation Army, and they’ll let you do anything.

What do toads, water and sprockets have in common? No, not pinewood derby cars, and apparently not Glen Phillips any more either. The formerly moist toad plays In the Venue (219 S. 600 West) for $20 at 7 p.m.

Back to scouts: For one merit badge, Calendar had to make a sun dial. Anyone who thinks these devices are useful obviously needs to go offer their mental services to the United Lobotomized Chimps of America ASAP.

In order to make these gems, we had to have our parents buy all sorts of crap…er, supplies…which ended up costing many more buckos than the more accurate and fashionable timepiece alternative-a Seiko wristwatch.

However, you know what they say: When in Rome, act like a Roman did four thousand years ago and ignore modern technology with Sole tonight at Kilby Court (700 S. Kilby Court) at 7 p.m.

The main purpose of Boy Scouts is to get those snotty bolo-tie-wearing brats ready for military service. While today’s military is mostly full of social rejects and rednecks, we’re sure it was a good idea back when wars were fought for a purpose.

After the Fallujah Fight and Election Day: The Way Ahead in Iraq, 10:45 a.m., Hinckley Institute of Politics Caucus Room (255). Unlike the actual war, this event is free.

The worst part about camping was sharing tents with nasties. Their stench was so bad, it makes the Clorox incident seem like a mercy killing-which, incidentally, the judge presiding over our case ruled it was not.

We think mothers sign their kids up for scouts so they can pack up the rest of the family and move during the camping trips without having to feel the pangs of guilt from saying to their useless, obese sons, “We made a mistake having you.”

College roommates aren’t much better, but if your masochistic side needs an outlet, check out the Annual Housing Fair today at 10 a.m. in the Union West Ballroom. Crazed, binge-drinking, physically abusive flatmate not included. Sigh.