Up in Calendar

By and

April 20Wednesday

So some thick, grayish-white smoke pours out of the Vatican and Popeapalooza XVI officially comes to a close.With the election of some blitzkrieg-boppin’ German dude nicknamed “God’s Rottweiler” (we couldn’t make that up if we tried) by his boys in the papal hood, Pope-a-thon 2005 is over. We know, it sucks-now what is Calendar going to make fun of? Seriously, those funky-ass hats (not to be confused with funky ass-hats, which American Catholics have become more than familiar with) are comic gold.But seriously folks-Pope Benedict Arnold isn’t such a bad guy. Commonly known as one willing to dispel secret Vatican traditions and legal defense strategies, Benedict is one pope Calendar can get along with. A blurry-eyed, seemingly euphoric Pope Benedict explained to Calendar the methodology behind the new millennium’s first super-secret-pope-voting process.”Grayish-white smoke. Nicknames. Funky-ass hats. Five or six recounts. You still not catching on? A room full of old guys in what look to be elaborate bathrobes. Plenty of glaucoma. Rods, staffs, phallic-imagery jokes. April 20. Bells that go ‘boooooonnnnngggg.’ Seriously? Still?! Do I have to spell it out for you (Giggles to himself) Mein kampf, this gig’s going to be sweet. Dude, where’s my PopeMobile?”

Oh man, we’re going to hell. But at least we’ll be having fun-Pope Benedict also told Calendar to “be careful while checking out” the Hit and Run Bluegrass, playing tonight in Shaggy’s Velvet Room (155 W. 200 South) at 7:30 p.m. Tickets are $12 from Smith’sTix, 21 and older.

The pope then explained to Calendar how From Ashes Rise. Then we forgot. It’s either tonight, when the “chunk punk” band plays Lo-Fi Caf (165 S. West Temple) at 7 p.m. or when the pope holds his royal pipe upside down. Tickets are $7 from Smith’sTix.

Then the pope got up, sorta looked around confusedly, and stumbled out of the room mumbling something about “eating heavenly humble pie.” Well, Steve Vai kind of rhymes with “humble pie.” The Grammy-winning guitar legend plays (your mom, Jenga, Seven Minutes of Heaven…with your mom) at In The Venue (219 S. 600 West) tonight. $25 from Smith’sTix, show starts at 7 p.m.