Friday, July 22
The masses have been clamoring for an unfettered glimpse into the secret life of Calendar. What could we expect? When you’re a Supreme Court nominee, that’s just part of the territory. “C’est la vie,” said our midget half-brother as he extended his wee little arms to pass Calendar a big fat doobie. That brother of ours (we just call him Rover) got all the wisdom in the family…that, and he always gets the best herb.
Which leads us to the government’s latest inquiry into our past-our rampant tokeage and smokeage of that sweetest of sweet leaves, marijuana. Calendar has been on Congress’ back to get it legalized, but damn it, a few pesky laws ain’t gonna stop us from enjoying our favorite…uh…we forget…
It seems that these days, people are down on smokers-of all kinds. What happened to the good ol’ days when the suave Rico Suaves of the world could walk into a room puffing away, and no one batted an eyelash? Clark Gable never went anywhere without his trusty cigs-and you know ol’ Clark rolled a few doobies in his day, too. Rumor has it his wardrobe from “Gone With the Wind” was originally made out of hemp. Didn’t you ever wonder how they got the fire at Tara to look so real? What, you thought it was fake? Puh-lease. Clark fell asleep stoned…yeah, like you never…
Thankfully for us smokers, this weekend we get Street Legal Drags @ Rocky Mountain Raceways (6555 S. 2100 South). OK, so they’re still charging us $10 for our God-given rights, but we’ll take it-at 4 p.m. and 11 p.m.
Now, we don’t want anyone getting the impression that smoking dope only leads to such innocent mishaps as burning down an entire MGM production lot-it has sexual consequences as well. Calendar got so ripped the other night we tried to take Penelope Cruz home for a passionate Night of Heat, until discovering that she is, in fact, a man. Now that was a rude awakening. (Did that stop us from tearing one off? Course not.) @ the Fight Coliseum (751 W. 800 South) for $20 at 7 p.m.
Saturday, July 23
Speaking of national holidays, in case an entire day’s worth of bad traffic, bad food, bad parades and bad sermons can’t quench your Pioneer Day fix, there’s always the Days of ’47 Culture Fest @ Gallivan Plaza (239 S. Main), which is absolutely free of charge. Dunno-still sounds a bit too pricey for a fake holiday.
Sunday, July 24
Or if you’re more like Calendar and you prefer to be lulled to sleep by the sweet, beautiful voice of Tommy Chong, go see him @ Wiseguys (3500 S. 2200 West) at 7 p.m. and 9 p.m. for $14. The old stoner is certainly more entertaining than heroin-addicted John Wayne look-alikes who ride around in horses and jump through rings of fire la the Jazz Bear. Confused? So is Calendar, but that’s only apropos considering our hermaphroditic encounter with a certain sultry Latin movie star, which only brought back bad memories of that cold, dark hospital we attended when a wee lad. “The doctor’s only going to cut a little piece off, it won’t hurt a bit,” Mommy said. “And then you’ll be all better!” Oh, the horror, the horror…But back to the cowboy thing…we actually have no idea what we’re talking about, but Cowboy Junkies are in town @ Red Butte (300 Wakara Way) at 7 p.m. for $26…which seems a little high. Who the hell do they think they are?
Monday, July 25
Oh, Calendar is so glib. So we just got a call from Dubya himself, and all of a sudden we’re not getting the nomination after all. How’s that? What, just because of our drug-infested past, Calendar isn’t qualified to take away people’s rights with the same gusto as the Man himself? Psssh. We’ll have you know, Mr. Governor, that we’ll be quietly protesting this decision by attending the absolutely free screening of Sundance Film: “Edge of America” @ Gallivan Plaza (239 S. Main).
Not happy about it? Whatcha gonna do, sic Karl Rove on us? Please, he’s just an old man with deep-seated issues about the size of his…um, we forget.
