Dear Foreign Oil,
It’s me, Dubya. Yeah, I know you said not to call after what I said in the State of the Union Address. But I had to talk to you, make things right. So I wrote you this letter.
I know it might be hard between us for the next little while, but I wanted to write you this note, and let you know?that I love you. I love your smell, I love your musk, I love the way you ooze, I love the way you keep our economy going. I love everything about you.
It’s just that everyone’s tryin’ to tear us apart-so we’ve just gotta cool it for a little bit.
Don’t worry, though. We take a little break right now, maybe lay low at the ranch for a while, let them oil prices of yours balloon a little bit, and people will be hollerin’ for us to get back together.
In the meantime, though, I think it might be better if we see other people. Brazil’s goin’ nuclear, so’s Iran. They could probably use somebody like you. Heck, India and China need you more than I do, sweetie! I could give you their numbers, if’n you wanted!
I don’t want you to worry, though, darlin’! I truly do love you. In fact, I made sure we’d stay together for as long as possible. I told America to expect our breakup, and that they should look to new fuel sources. That really don’t mean a thing, though.
That plan I drew up for our breakup, the Advanced Energy Thingy, should give us at least a little while. I give us at least another six or seven good years, seein’ as how Ford can’t even spell its name right, and those hybrids out of Japan are as ugly as Texas Road Bumps.
Oh, sure, it may look like we’re splittin’ up something ugly on paper-but really, I’m doin’ this for both of us.
Remember when I said I was going to “reduce our dependence on (you)?” It was just to pacificate the people, comprende? Heck, even if I did mean it, Americanos are gonna be drinkin’ this stuff up as long as you give it to ’em cheap.
You’re the sweetest thing this side of Social Security reform, honey. I just wanted you to know that you’ll always be in my heart, and in my pocket. I already miss those times we had in the Middle East?do you remember that little fling in Baghdad?
Sigh. Good times?good times.
This is all gonna be for the best, I promise. Let’s just take this time right now and re-evaluate our lives.
I still want us to hang out. I mean, you’re still my best friend! So long as those Hummers keep comin’, we’ll have an excuse, right?
One of my favorite Beatles said that when you really love somebody, you’ve just got to set ’em free, ya know?
I want to see you soar, and I just don’t know if I’m the right guy for you. It’s not you?.
Ahhh hell, what am I saying?! I can’t live without ya. We can’t live without ya! Will you take me back?! Please, baby?
Love,
George