The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

Write for Us
Want your voice to be heard? Submit a letter to the editor, send us an op-ed pitch or check out our open positions for the chance to be published by the Daily Utah Chronicle.
@TheChrony
Print Issues
Write for Us
Want your voice to be heard? Submit a letter to the editor, send us an op-ed pitch or check out our open positions for the chance to be published by the Daily Utah Chronicle.
@TheChrony
Print Issues

Horoscopes

By Seora Drusilla

Aquarius 1/20-2/18

Aquarius, your ruling planet is Uranus. Need I say more?

Yes, methinks I should.

Since you are ruled by Uranus, I suggest you go buy some of those lovely wipes to make Uranus feel all nice and cozy?in the outer reaches of the solar system?

Yes?

Pisces 2/19-3/20

Pisces, it is an unfortunate fact, but it is in your nature to be a lazy, procrastinating, self-centered oaf. News flash: Valentine’s Day was Tuesday. Get up off your ass and do something romantic, already.

Sheesh.

Aries 3/21-4/19

Your element is fire, Aries, which means that you must be careful around water-it has the power to put you out. Regard all water signs, Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces (read: your mom, roommate and significant other), as your greatest enemies.

Also, watch out for precipitation. It’s water, too.

And uncomfortably moist.

Taurus 4/20-5/20

As Mars moves out of your sign this week, Taurus, you will enter a phase of surprise (“What? Frat boys are doing something nice?”) followed by anger (“Those bastards! They’re not really building a playground for poor kids!”) followed by lust (“Ohhh?playgrounds?I want a playground?mmm?.Yeah, yeah, a nice playground, all for myself?”).

My advice: Punch a frat boy and steal his jug of collection money.

Then go to a psychiatrist-you’ve got some issues to work out.

Gemini 5/21-6/21

As illustrated by your symbol, the twins, you have two natures. The first is cool, calm and possesses a mad genius. The second is, well, rather slow-witted.

As Mercury passes a little close to the sun this week, your slow-witted side will take over once again. I see weeks of explaining yourself on the horizon for you, Gemini. Weeks, weeks and, oddly, several jars of whipped mayonnaise.

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what you do this time, huh?

Cancer 6/22-7/22

Cancer, you are sentimental, sensitive, loving and love to share your feelings. This means that you have many valuable relationships with family members, friends and more-than-friends. You’ve managed to keep them all thriving for a while now, but I see a dark cloud in your future. Probably because at least three of your main squeezes are starting to suspect (did dividing Valentine’s Day so many ways have anything to do with it?).

I suggest you either come clean and end it with all but one or, you know, see if they’re all down.

Leo 7/23-8/22

Leo, Leo, Leo-a wonderful surprise is coming your way this week. Not only will that secret wish of yours come true but so will that other, even more secret wish. You know the one I’m talking about. No, no, not that-yeah, that one.

Start cracking those eggs.

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Ida, that asteroid that looks like a potato, never ceases to hold some sort of mystical power over your life, Virgo. I don’t know why, but Ida has a stronger grip on you than any other sign. This week, her plans for you include hurtling through space (life), colliding with and demolishing debris (obstacles) and being baked in a celestial shepherd’s pie.

Don’t ask me.

Libra 9/23-10/22

Your Prince Charming will come for you soon, Libra. What? You’re a male who is most definitely hetero?

Yeah, sure you are.

Be on the lookout, he’ll be here soon. Just you wait.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21

It’s time you investigated that mystery in your life, Scorpio. The one that created all those dark clouds on your horizon, followed by cool fronts and stormy showers. And, you know, other such meteorological phenomena.

Maybe you should start by watching the Weather Channel. That’ll probably help you out a lot with solving that mystery.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

As your ruling planet, Jupiter, enters the ninth house, you will be faced with misfortune. Beware the stairwells in the Union building. Specters haunt them, thirsty specters, and they have their eyes on you.

Start carrying a dagger.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Capricorn, your symbol is the goat. This is because you’re stubborn and will eat literally anything. This has been known to give you terrible, uncontrollable gas (the human body was only made to ingest certain textiles-glass-fiber rayon is not one of them).

You’re driving all your loved ones away, Capricorn.

Buy some Beano and stop snacking on diapers-dirty or clean.

Leave a Comment

Comments (0)

The Daily Utah Chronicle welcomes comments from our community. However, the Daily Utah Chronicle reserves the right to accept or deny user comments. A comment may be denied or removed if any of its content meets one or more of the following criteria: obscenity, profanity, racism, sexism, or hateful content; threats or encouragement of violent or illegal behavior; excessively long, off-topic or repetitive content; the use of threatening language or personal attacks against Chronicle members; posts violating copyright or trademark law; and advertisement or promotion of products, services, entities or individuals. Users who habitually post comments that must be removed may be blocked from commenting. In the case of duplicate or near-identical comments by the same user, only the first submission will be accepted. This includes comments posted across multiple articles. You can read more about our comment policy at https://dailyutahchronicle.com/comment-faqs/.
All The Daily Utah Chronicle Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *