Aquarius 1/20-2/18
As the partying-est sign in the zodiac, Aquarius, you partied your Spring Break away in some southern hotspot. The Caribbean?maybe. Your basement? most likely. Either way, you’ve still got that 20-page paper to write.
My advice: Sequester yourself in the aforementioned basement with computer, books, a bomb-shelter-sized jug of water, a health-food store’s worth of Clif bars and a?ah?portable toilet, and pound that baby out!
Pound it!
Pisces 2/19-3/20
That hair of yours is too curly, Pisces. You look like a mop. You apparently spent your Spring Break rolling around in a dirt and/or dung heap at some farm.
You may never be suave, and you may never be elegant, but, Pisces, one thing’s for sure: You can at least look decent.
Go to a hair salon, for the love of God. Tell them to do as they please. Anything will be better than this filthy poodle look.
Aries 3/21-4-19
This week you’re going to get an especially nasty call from your mother. She’s going to blame you for everything that ever went wrong in her life and try to put some huge guilt trip on you. Just remember, Aries, that two can play at that game.
Two can indeed play.
Taurus 4/20-5/20
Unlike most of the other signs, Taurus, you kept on top of your homework over the break. Kudos to you. Now, the only assignment you have left is: Do something fun!
Since I understand you so well, Taurus, here’s my suggestion: Make a to-do list of everything you needed to get done over the break, then go through, one by one, and draw crazy-cool checkmarks next to each item.
You’ll have a blast.
Gemini 5/21-6/21
Do you remember that episode of “Seinfeld” in which Jerry becomes Even Steven? That will almost be you this week, Gemini, as you’ll lose a $100-bill while walking across campus.
What? No, you’re not going so stumble on $100 later this week.
Notice how I said ‘almost.’
Cancer 6/22-7/22
As Jupiter passes through the Fourth House this week, Cancer, you can pretty much count on having car trouble. Don’t own a car? Bike trouble. A bus mishap. Expect TRAX to break down.
The bottom line: Transportation is against you this week. Dress warmly-as you’ll be walking everywhere, if you’re smart-and no matter what your friends/the weatherman/your instructor says, do not go hang gliding this week.
Leo 7/23-8/22
Leo, you’re represented by the lion. Not because you’re proud, not because you like the pack (read: clique) lifestyle, and not because of that accursed sandy-blonde hair. No, Leo, you’re the lion because of the way you single out the sickest member of the herd and mercilessly take him or her down. Not that this is bad or anything-it’s just the way nature works.
A word of advice: Taurus is ready this week.
Virgo 8/23-9/22
Your love life will get very exciting this week, Virgo. As Europa undergoes a particularly strong ice cracking, resulting in a torrent of steam issuing forth from the small Galilean moon’s surface, so, too, will things get incredibly steamy where you are.
Just remember to not make the same mistake you made last time.
In other words, stock up on body deodorant.
Libra 9/23-10/22
Although you’re usually a pretty conservative sign, Libra, a solar flare over the break made you do something daring and impulsive. Unfortunately, you weren’t prepared for the consequences of that piercing. I suggest getting a lot of saline, rubbing alcohol and Neosporin.
Or would that be too much like your St. Patrick’s Day?
Scorpio 10/23-11/21
OK, Scorpio, the time has come for you to carry out that prank you’ve been plotting for months now. I know you’ve got the stink bomb, the cherry bomb, the fart spray and the bottle of dog urine. You know what to do with them.
Just?ah?you know, be careful.
You want to come out of this smelling like roses-literally.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Of all the signs in the zodiac, you, Sagittarius, believe in complete honesty. You will be tested this week, though, as Earth’s equatorial plane aligns with Neptune and you involuntarily commit a terrible sin. Whom will you tell, and whom will you not tell?
Your moral fiber is on the line, Sag.
Dietary fiber, too. I suggest eating some bran cereal while contemplating your difficult decision.
Capricorn 12/22-1/19
I know you don’t believe in astrology, Capricorn, but I have a prediction that will test your steadfast skepticism:
You are the best, smartest, funniest, most attractive sign in the zodiac! Everyone loves you! Everyone wants to elect you president of the world-no, the universe!
How do you feel now?
Ha! Gotcha.