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The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

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Write for Us
Want your voice to be heard? Submit a letter to the editor, send us an op-ed pitch or check out our open positions for the chance to be published by the Daily Utah Chronicle.
@TheChrony
Print Issues

The great dildo debacle

By Nicholas Pappas

Ladies and gentlemen, I present you the rubber penis. Bigger, better and safer than the model on which it is based.

The rubber penis will not get your teenage daughter pregnant. It will not give your teenage daughter an STD. It will never physically abuse, berate or, on a smaller scale, ignore your daughter to play Halo 3 instead.

It’s the gift that keeps on giving. Any good, caring parent who believes in abstinence would find the time to give their teenage daughter a rubber penis for Christmas.

So, why then are so many Sugar House parents in such an uproar over the long — possibly vibrating — phallus?

“I don’t care if you have one rubber penis or you have 15,” said JT Martin, city councilman-elect of Sugar House. “If you have one, you are a sexually oriented business.”

Since Friday, protesters have taken time out of their sexually boring lives to picket outside the new location of the Blue Boutique — a business moving three blocks away from its former location in downtown Sugar House. The lingerie store has been a staple of the community for 20 years.

Craig Mecham, owner, developer and Ebenezer of downtown Sugar House, will begin demolishing the previous historic home of the Blue Boutique as soon as he can. He has ripped the soul out of the neighborhood and will replace the businesses with soulless box stores, effectively piling local dollars into dump trucks headed for the state line.

No one seemed to care about Mecham. Caring about local businesses is one thing. Rubber penises are completely different. As usual, the children must be saved. Sugar House Park and Highland High are in close proximity to the new location, and kids would walk past it every day!

Let’s forget for a moment that the teenage daughters are going to school with hundreds of living, breathing penises of greater concern to their safety. After all, you can’t picket the football team.

Instead, they are wasting their enlightened energy on a store that sells lingerie, shoes, jewelry and, yes, a few things that make life a little more interesting.

Like those who criticized Michael Moore’s “Fahrenheit 9/11” without watching it, these protesters have no idea what the store is about. The Blue Boutique is not a sexually oriented business (SOB) — far from it. The majority of the store’s inventory is clothing. There is a small room in the back for more adult fare, but it is closely monitored. Just as with buying beer or cigarettes, an ID is required.

It’s a far cry from real SOBs. I’m not a prude, but after going into a real SOB in San Francisco, I felt the need to shower and call my doctor for a check-up.

It’s the equivalent of calling Hannah Montana a porn star. It’s the difference between “The Love Boat” and “Deep Throat.” Also, if these parents have raised their children in a clandestine manner, what are they worried about? Wouldn’t their kids steer clear, regardless of where the business was “erected?”

Just because a serpent offers you an apple doesn’t mean you have to take it, right?

Protesters have threatened to film patrons going into the store and post the pictures on a website. Sounds like a fantastic photo-op to me. I plan to be at the grand opening with a suit, a smile and a newly purchased rubber penis. There’s nothing like free publicity. I’m sure the pictures will do wonders for my sex life. Bored housewives are going to love me.

I hope the rest of you sexually satisfied readers will join me. We can’t allow the few to dictate the values of an entire community.

It’s up to us to prove who the real SOBs are.

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