“We are endowed by our Creator with certain inalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of the sour-creamy, tortilla-wrapped goodness of Taco Bell’s delectable Crunchwrap Supreme….”
And now, a totalitarian fast-food chain is maliciously violating those rights.
About a month ago, Taco Bell introduced its brand-spanking-new Crunchwrap Supreme: “The menu item offers consumers the classic tastes of Taco Bell, with a crunchy tostada shell, seasoned beef, warm nacho cheese sauce, lettuce, juicy tomatoes and cool sour cream. The product is wrapped in a flour tortilla and grilled to seal in all the flavors for maximum portability.”
Sure, I’d seen the advertisements on the telly, but nothing could have prepared me for the explosion of savory, mouthwatering flavors upon my first taste of this delicious new delicacy.
The verdict was in: The Crunchwrap Supreme was magnificent.
Keep in mind: I don’t like fast food. But this time, I was hooked. Two Crunchwrap Supremes were a veritable feast-fit for a king! For a few weeks, a lunchtime visit to Taco Bell was the highlight of my day. It became part of my daily routine.
And then the unthinkable happened. As quickly as this tasty delight had been mercifully thrust upon us, the powers that be at the Taco Bell Corp. seized My Precious from my outstretched arms.
Apparently, the Crunchwrap Supreme was for a “limited time only.” Some chains got rid of it last week. Most of the others removed it from their menus effective July 31.
And that’s that. The commercials never made it clear that the Crunchwrap would only be available for a few short weeks — I never would have let myself get so attached if they had.
We’re not just talking about fast food here. We’re talking about one of man’s greatest modern masterpieces. We’re talking about a work of art. And now Taco Bell has revoked our God-given rights and privileges. We are no longer privileged to partake in the food industry’s greatest brainchild of the last 20 years.
This is no laughing matter, folks. It is an outrage! I’m very serious about this. How dare they take away the last little bit of sunshine in the life of a poor college student.
I, for one, will not sit back and take this kind of tyranny — and neither should you. This is a call to arms. I want you all to get up out of your chairs; I want you to get up right now and go to the window, open it, stick your head out and yell, “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!”
Because we don’t have to take this kind of abuse. My boss — and fellow addict — suggested a hunger strike, which lasted for only one day. What we decided was simply to boycott Taco Bell until they bring back our delicious Crunchwrap Supreme. I urge everyone to join our boycott — stand up to The Man and let your voice be heard!
Last week, I called Taco Bell’s corporate headquarters to express my displeasure. I told them I was extremely upset. I told them I felt abused. I told them it was unacceptable. I’m sure they could tell from the tone of my voice just how serious I was.
Until the boycott ends, I’ll have to settle for the KFC Snacker or Burger King’s Chicken Club next time I’m in a rush and need a quick meal. But they’re just cheap substitutes. Nothing can compare to the Crunchwrap. Please, Taco Bell execs, have mercy. Until you do, I will be taking my business elsewhere.
