Satire: Director Comey Displeases Republican Overlord


Photo by Rich Girard on Flickr

With an air of sullen regret, FBI Director James Comey announced on Sunday that, “Based on our review, we have not changed our conclusions that we expressed in July with respect to Secretary Clinton.” Following the announcement, Director Comey was seen gathering his belongings and walking to mourn among the others from years past who had failed to convict Hillary Clinton.

Nine days ago, Comey chose to nobly lead the FBI into a grand battle against the dark sorceress herself. Instead of using a calculated strategy, the director wrote an unconventional email to Congress announcing the existence of 650,000 newly discovered emails. Under the director’s command, the FBI finished a thorough review of these emails, in perhaps the most efficient government operation ever. Clinton was yet again able to evade scrutiny, however, using sorcery to erase corrupt email correspondence. We were tricked again, America, and the FBI failed to prevent it from happening.

Although reports remain inconclusive, witnesses say that a beleaguered Comey could be spotted on the streets of D.C., tossing his “Make America Great Again” helicopter-hat on the sidewalk. While campaigning, Clinton herself found out that the FBI hadn’t discovered evidence of misconduct, which likely allowed her evil powers to flourish. When the Trump campaign heard the news, there were immediate claims that the system is rigged, despite having praised the actions of Director Comey just days before. In truth, this evaluation couldn’t be more correct.

Throughout this election cycle, what has become apparent is that both candidates are well respected by voters. Both Clinton and Trump represent policies that are moderate in nature and the debates have been a demonstration of civility. Thus, what has made this election unsettling is not the candidates; rather, it’s the result of rigged media figures and incompetent FBI directors, who spread controversies like gremlins. While Clinton is certainly the dark sorceress robot that Trump has painted her as,  both she and her Republican opponent are desperately trying to save America.

Therefore, when Director Comey announced that the FBI would re-open the investigation regarding Clinton’s emails, media goblins nationwide immediately got to work. They wrote articles about Director Comey tampering with the election, which is something the Republican director obviously wouldn’t attempt. When The Onion surveyed voters about the inquiry, one man responded, “It just goes to show: you never know what you’ll find while investigating Anthony Weiner for inappropriate communication with minors.” This fits perfectly within the context of the election, seeing as each candidate has nothing to hide. Rather, it’s the ghosts of their respective parties—in tandem with media gremlins—that are dragging down this election. This includes investigators like Comey, who fail to protect the American people against emails.

In keeping with tradition, Comey was spotted sipping on a margarita after his long day. Who hasn’t been there before? Certainly every other investigator who’s attempted to prosecute Clinton for crimes against humanity has felt the need for an afternoon refresher. As Sunday concluded, Comey joined a long list of proud men who have systematically failed to imprison crooked Hillary. When contacted, the FBI didn’t respond whether Director Comey had been reunited with his Trump helicopter-hat. As for the election, pundits remain hopeful that both major party candidates will continue to look after the fate of the nation. The American people are certainly confident in both Clinton and Trump, and fallout after election night promises to be one of peaceful succession. In the end, the rigged American system hasn’t dragged down this election.