Ambitious patient?The University Hospital emergency department treated a man who began exposing himself to the staff. After he received the medical OK, he was arrested on the lewdness charge and for several other outstanding warrants.
What?s the difference between when a man exposes himself to a woman and when a woman exposes herself to a man? In the one case, she calls the police, in the other, he calls his friends.
Theft and murder?After cutting the security cable, someone stole a TV/VCR combination from Van Cott Hall.
In a related crime, video killed the radio star.
Very evil theft?A thief stole a box of cash from a campus organization?s office. The money was designated to aid victims of the recent terrorist attacks.
As the theft was about the most un-American thing a person could do, the perpetrator will not be welcome to such American amenities as, say, the whole ?no cruel and unusual punishment? thing.
Violating protocol?A Marriott Library employee reported receiving a phone-mail message containing a death threat.
As per new university protocol, however, the proper channels for administering death threats is via email.
Hospital?s insurance?A man reported that his money, credit cards, clothing and glasses were stolen from him while he was being treated at the University Hospital emergency department.
It later turned out the hospital had just taken his stuff as collateral for his bill.
Stat!?A thief took a laptop computer from University Hospital?s cardiology department.
The thief was chased down, beaten to a pulp and then some EMTs came in with that electricity thing and said, ?Clear!?
Philanthropy?Someone stole some money from a cash drawer at the Eccles Tennis Center.
The Eccles family reimbursed the stolen cash and had the drawer named after them.
The Kingpin strikes the U?Some hooligan(s) burglarized a car parked near the women’s softball diamond.A backpack, CD’s and a cell phone were stolen. The thief got into the car by breaking a window.
Oh, realcreative. Through the window. You?re real clever. I?ll bet nobody ever thought of that before. Who are you?the Kingpin of Crime? That is some world class criminal genius right there. You?re as cunning as a fox whose just been made provost of the Oxford University of Cunning.
Audio Hate Crime?Two automobiles were burglarized in University Village. From one, a purse, wallet and other property were stolen, from the other: amplifier and speakers. The CD player was damaged, but the thief did not steal it.
It is suspected the thief is an anti-CD-ite. The police have put their special Hate Crimes Taskforce on the case.