With so much useless smut on television nowadays, it?s nice to know there is a quality drama which teaches real life issues to our nation’s teens (and fools who still occasionally watch into their 20s, like me).
Everything I needed to know in order to succeed in life I learned from pro wrestling. Programs such as WWF Saturday Night and WCW Monday Nitro, or the more recent Monday Night Raw and Smackdown, may get a bad rap for explicit content and language, but basic secrets to societal success are revealed.
The programs have taught me the importance and effectiveness of speech communication. Whether it was the Hulkster rambling about the damage his ?24-inch pythons? would cause or the Rock labeling someone ?a rudy poo candyass,? the lesson was clear: An eloquent crap-talker can take someone completely out of his game.
It doesn?t really matter if you can back up the talk. As long as you can slam an opponent with a cutting catch-phrase, you?ve really got him. The fun of watching pro wrestling is hearing what the wrestlers claim they will do. Once the physical action begins (the actual fake wrestling), my interest wanes.
More importantly, the WWF has shown who the national enemy is through symbolic, stereotypical wrestlers. Remember classic Commie grappler Nikolai Volkov, who would wave the Russian flag all the way to the squared circle? Was anyone ever rooting for him? No, he was a bad guy for life. His character lost its spunk once the Cold War was over.
And there was the Iron Sheik, the mysterious Middle Easterner with his pointed boots (I?m waiting for a reincarnation of this character after the attacks, but I don?t think it will happen. The WWF is too PC now). And who can forget everybody?s favorite inner-city thug, Bad News Brown?
And do I really need to address the stereotypes of women? How many crotch and chest shots are taken in an average telecast? Is there really need for “managers?”
Speaking of symbolic wrestlers, ?Hacksaw? Jim Duggan is in definite need of applause in light of the recent World Trade Center attacks. If only everyone had the patriotic spirit of a ?Hacksaw? 365 days a year. There would be flags in every house, storefront and vehicle. The man carried a 10 square-foot flag to the ring for hell?s sake.
Didn?t ?Hacksaw? embody everything about the United States? He always carried a weapon (his trusty two-by-four) to the ring and would not hesitate to use it. His brainpower was unquestionably minuscule, but he did have brute strength.
However, my personal favorite theme has to be the philosophical wrestler, as performed by the Undertaker or Raven.
?Social grace, the human race, but isn?t the real question, ?Do I have any dreams that I?d like to sell????a Raven quote.
Or the Undertaker?s classic, ?Your soul will rest in the eternal depths of hell.? People won?t cheer for the Russian, but they will go ape for a man who does nothing but mumble satanic fragments. Of course, this is before the Undertaker lost his mystique and started using intelligible sentences, before he traded in his deathly hearse for the character of a white-trash Harley rider.
Also, it is imperative to cheat to get ahead. The question is not if cheating goes on, but has a match ever taken place where some grossly unfair method has not been used?
Wouldn?t it be nice to see the WWF administration crack down and levy fines for such heinous acts, like the NFL does weekly?
?I don?t know, Bill,? says a WWF official to another, both reviewing the tape. ?It looked like that chair to-the-head shot was just incidental contact, not done maliciously.?
Wrestlers would be serving lifetime suspensions for referee abuse, championship belts would have to be handed over after tape reviews, and half of the league’s athletes would be fined more money than they would make. But that wouldn?t be entertainment.
Wrestling doesn?t teach everything, just the important stuff.
Rory welcomes feedback at: [email protected].