ESPN has proved itself to me time and time again?proved that it is the ?worldwide leader in sports.?

Seeing a variety of sports has let me expand my horizons in the sports world.

Not only does ESPN provide the greatest variety of sports, but also the most influential and the most enthusiastic commentators that this world has ever seen.

Last Thursday, I attempted to watch another great sport on ESPN, and what did I find?

An enthralling competition of pool. Many tense emotions were appearing in the playoffs of what I deem as the greatest event on the face of the earth, ?9-ball action.?

Every moment of the event made my heart pound harder and harder, as the match was too close to call.

Two participants were competing in the match of their lives. I can?t put my finger on their names, either because I would rather memorize the names of an XFL team or because I was too hypnotized by the amazing play of these two women.

The match had come down to the 7-, the 8- and the 9-ball, and one of the ?athletes? did not have a shot at the 7, so she played a great defensive move, so the other ?athlete? would not have a great shot either.

I can?t possibly describe it as well as the commentators did, so let me just articulate what they said to the best of my abilities.

Now remember?this is all in a whisper, unless otherwise noted.

?She will try to hit the 7-ball around the 8-ball and bounce the cue ball off the 9-ball to put her in a great position to hit the 8-ball in. Here?s the shot and? [Now in a loud tone of voice] Oh what a shot! And she could not have placed the cue ball at a more perfect position. She must feel like the greatest woman on the Earth. The win is hers, and she is on top of the world.?

Don?t tell me you wouldn?t get a funny feeling in your stomach as the emotion of this play hit you.

Nine-ball action has found a place in my heart and will remain there just like all the other bastard sports ESPN puts out on TV.

Pool, bowling, outdoor sports. The World’s Strongest Man competition, arm wrestling, the spelling bee, axe throwing competitions, karate, and God knows what else they have on in their late-night hours.

All of these competitions have made my heart flutter with joy. What could be more fun than watching men pumped with steroids pulling a 747 and consequently ruining their health?

Or I could watch little kids showing off their ?athletic? ability and flexing their memorization muscles by busting out and winning the national spelling bee.

WOW!

What the hell has happened to ESPN? I understand that it loves to cover all sports, but what exactly deserves to be televised on national TV?

Maybe ESPN should rethink its procedure for selecting items to be placed on my TV. I hate all these sports, and the fact that people train for them makes it even worse.

Perhaps I could invent my own sports and ask to place them on ESPN.

Maybe we could invent a sport in which I sat down and creatively shove food down my throat until I throw up.

The most food in one’s stomach wins, and I bet ESPN would even host an awards show for the sport. Limits on vegetables would be used, because we would only want our athletes to be closer to dying after the event, and anything healthy would be sacrilegious.

Or we could watch people participate in competitions in which we could watch an ?athlete? participate in writing a paper.

OH WOW! What could be more enthralling to an ESPN executive? It could go hand-in hand and be placed in a double header, with the spelling bee taking the prime-time coverage.

Wait?I forgot they are giving me a variety of the ?sports world.? Maybe I am giving ESPN a hard time.

I guess I should appreciate what it is giving me?quality education and a great showing of people hurting themselves.

I just can’t help but shake the feeling, though, that there was supposed to be something about sports.

Asad welcomes feedback at: [email protected].