Top researchers for Trustees in the Trafficking of Silicone, or TITS for short, released a report this week concluding that success in the business world is directly related to the size of a woman&s bust.
According to the report entitled &Big Boobs are Good,& the relationship between success and cup-size is exponential; furthermore, any woman who does not want larger breasts is a dirty communist and should be driven out of the country.
As the science columnist here at The Comical, I felt it was my duty to shed some light on this ground-breaking yet controversial discovery. Trying my hand at investigative reporting, I caught up with TITS chairman Bob Handler during his recent visit to Utah. We met over dinner at the venerable Salt Lake institution, Northern Exposure.
Leona Pashley: Thanks for meeting me here.
Bob Handler: Sure thing, sweetheart.
LP: Your organization recently published a study concluding that breast size is an indicator of success in women. Would you care to comment?
BH: It&s not just an indicator, honey, it&s a direct cause. Take Trixie here. [pulls aside a cocktail waitress] Trixie baby, how much do you make in a night?
Trixie: About $150 in tips.
BH: Now Leona, how much do you make working at The Comical?
LP: Uhh, I think I&m getting 15 bucks to write this column.
BH: OK then. Trixie&s cleavage is only three times larger than yours, but look, she makes 10 times as much as you do8212;that&s a direct exponential correlation.
LP: Trixie, would you agree with Mr. Handler&s conclusion?
Trixie: I&d bet my pasties on it!
Still not satisfied with the evidence provided by Mr. Handler, I sought out one of the scientists who co-authored the TITS study. I went in search of Dr. Levi Wadsworth, Professor Emeritus at UDN; I tracked down Dr. Wadsworth during his night shift as an underwear salesman at Nordstrom.
LP: Dr. Wadsworth, do you mind my asking why such a distinguished researcher is working part time in the Nordstrom underwear department?
LW: Well my dear, I shouldn&t be telling you this, but since my last paycheck from TITS bounced, I don&t feel so bad. Bob Handler originally hired me as a daytime janitor, but when he learned of my history as an underwear specialist, he promoted me to research scientist.
LP: So you have no qualifications?
LW: Of course I do! Bob wanted to make sure I had the proper education, so he bought me a diploma on E-Bay. Apparently I got my Ph.D. at Harvard!
LP: How can you claim to be Professor Emeritus at UDN? Couldn&t the university file suit against you?
LW: No, that&s also legitimate; UDN stands for &Underwear Department at Nordstrom.& I&m employee of the month you know.
LP: Well, I guess you don&t have to be a professor to know a lot about boobs. Tell me, what are my readers to make of TITS& claim that women who don&t want large breasts should be driven out of the country?
LW: Come now Leona, I thought you were smarter than that. Without large boobs, most women would be poor, even unemployed. If women stop spending money, then the fashion, makeup and undergarment industries would go up in smoke8212;I&d be out of a job in a heartbeat! What woman in her right mind would want to do so much damage to the economy? Big boobs are good for the nation, and there&s no other way about it. If President Bush wants to take us out of this recession, he ought to subsidize breast implants for every woman in America. Now here&s a campaign slogan I&d like to see, &Bush and Boobs: a partnership for a better tomorrow!&
After talking to Mr. Wadsworth, I was still not content with the conclusions of the TITS study. As a last resort, I turned to the real experts on the subject8212;women with boobs. Positioning myself by the front doors of the Merrill Engineering Building, I had the opportunity to interview some of the best and brightest women on campus.
LP: Excuse me, miss, I&m wondering if you could tell me how breast size has influenced your success in school.
Student: Well, I&m actually a man8212;glandular problem, you know8212;but I have to say that the boobs of my female classmates have definitely helped me to succeed. After all, when faced with the decision whether to sleep in and dream about boobs, or to actually go to class and see real boobs in person, there&s no question that I&d rather go to class.
LP: How inspiring.
LP: Excuse me miss, I&m wondering if you could tell me whether breast size has had any influence on your success in school.
Student: Well, as you can see, I&m rather small chested; but I can&t imagine that it&s hurt me in school. Although, I have noticed that the one well endowed girl in my Physics class is the only one who&s ever gotten one of those private, candlelit study sessions the professor&s always talking about.
LP: Very interesting.
Well, several interviews later, this reporter has her mind made up. Big boobs are good for everyone. They ensure higher wages, stimulate the economy, provide comfort and inspiration, and secure academic success for the women who have them. While many women might call this conclusion offensive and ridiculous, they are obviously unattractive lesbians with hormonal problems that prevent them from being rational. Take it from TITS; big boobs are best.
On a final note, I&d like to thank all the construction workers, sales clerks, doctors, interviewers, employers, waiters, gym coaches, teachers, auto mechanics, hardware store employees, politicians, church leaders, managers, policemen, plumbers, athletes, friends, boyfriends, men, dudes, guys, and jocks who have ever put a woman&s boobs ahead of her words. They were a big inspiration in writing this.
Disclaimer: The Comical is pure satire and appears at the beginning of every week on The Chronicle&s Web site. Please take the stories as jokes and don&t call your lawyer. Thanks.