There’s something slippery going on at the University of Utah.
In an Oct. 29 radio address, U President Bernie Machen belligerently announced the installment of a large statue that would reside directly next to Rice-Eccles stadium.
In his radio address, Machen stated that he “didn’t want to give anything away,” but wanted to specify that “the statue is as big as hell.”
Machen, however, accidently left the microphone on after the address, and 16,000 listening students heard him mumble: “I look like a clown in spandex. I can’t believe Mitt did this to me.”
The statue, funded by an “anonymous patron of the arts” (whose name rhymes with Sheckles), is made completely out of paper mache, weighs 17 tons and comes with its own weather proof glass dome.
The statue is of one bobsled, two middle-aged men and a lot of spandex.
Mitt Romney designed the piece, which appears to consist of Machen pushing the sled, while Romney is hunkered down and smiling in the sled’s steering position.
The real Machen is noticeably disgruntled with the work, stating that the artist’s representation makes him look like “an Olympic-sized dork.”
In recent days, Machen has tried to create a petition for other administrators to sign in order to ban the statue from campus.
However, after taking the petition to the president’s office, Machen realized that he was the president. After shaking hands with himself, Machen used the pages from the petition as a picture flip book, stating that “I’m no exception. This is what I do with all petitions.”
Machen’s efforts are misguided.
He is wrongly preoccupied with the physical appearance of the figure in the statue that resembles himself. Instead, he should appreciate the piece for its artistic and symbolic merit.
The statue symbolizes the teamwork and dedication necessary in achieving Olympian dreams. Besides, it’s not everyday that one’s image is permanently?or at least until the weather-proof dome leaks?cast in paper mache.
Machen contrived another poor excuse at a recent press conference for not advocating the prominent display of the piece, stating that “the bobsled’s not even an Olympic sport.” A few minutes later (and after several scrawled notes from Machen’s press relations vp Fred Esplin), Machen modified the statement saying that he meant that it “wasn’t a limping sport.”
Machen is groping for any excuse. He is truly unaware of the real problem of displaying the piece?it’s not large enough.
Salt Lake Organizing Committee officials estimate that the statue, when installed, will take up approximately 33.333333333 percent of the stadium’s parking lot.
That’s nothing. Sculptors need to add at least four or five more figures to the display?maybe Rocky Anderson figure skating and Mark Shurtleff curling.
This would guarantee that most of the parking lot consists of the statue.
Students never use the lot anyway, and the SLOC really has not exploited the university for resources.
Machen’s latest excuse is that other high-ranking officials in the state will attempt to vandalize the statue.
In a recent interview, Machen explained his reasoning: “I swear I saw Mike Leavitt scoping out the parking lot. I think he even had, um, spray paint. Yea, he had, um, lots of spray paint.”
After hearing about Machen’s concerns, an unnamed university professor offered to create an invisible “electric security blanket” around the statue.
Machen should have acknowledged this generous offer. Instead, he gave the professor an X parking pass and told him to “shut his trap.”
It is obvious that Machen’s insecurities about the artist’s spandex rendition are blinding him from the Olympic spirit.
It’s time for Machen to realize that this statue, a most-valued gift, will be the crowning feature of the university during the Olympics. It will earn Machen copious amounts of honor, as artists, scholars and newspeople come from around the globe to admire the artistry, symbolism and sheer mastery of such a work of art.
Disclaimer: The Comical is pure satire and appears at the beginning of every week on The Chronicle’s Web site. Please take the stories as jokes and don’t call your lawyer. Thanks.