Thou shalt not drive the speed limit, the speed limit is an abomination unto me.
Yea, Verily, all those who drive the speed limit shall be cursed with the sins of the car behind them and the car behind them and the car behind both of them.
Not exactly canonical doctrine, but if you really stop and think about it, all those jerks who drive the speed limit are responsible for an inordinate share of the traffic accidents.
I know, I shouldn’t call them jerks?it’s not their fault, they’re just misguided.
When people drive the speed limit, it forces typical citizens like you and me (You are typical, aren’t you? Me neither.) to perform dangerous driving maneuvers that put ourselves and others in danger just to pass them so we can drive at the real speed limit (Note to police officers: I don’t do dangerous maneuvers because I have developed an inordinate amount of patience, but lots of other people do).
The real speed limit tends to be 5-15 miles per hour faster than the posted speed limit, depending on the time of day, flow of traffic around you and phase of the moon.
Those following the speed limit also cause traffic to clump up behind them, increasing the likelihood of minor fender-bender accidents too.
I know that some people are uncomfortable driving even at the speed limit due to eyesight, health or other physical or psychological restrictions (I don’t really have anything to help them, I just wanted you to know that I’m not ignoring them).
The only circumstance where anyone should drive slower than the speed limit is in school zones when the lights are flashing.
Anyone driving faster than the speed limit when little kids are around should be fed to fire ants or something similarly drastic.
If you agree with me on this important issue, good for you!
I would recommend a course of action, but this is the Red Herring, and let’s face it, someone (anyone) taking the Red Herring seriously enough to act on it is less likely than the British invading the United States with Elvis at the head of the invading forces and retaking Fort Ticonderoga during the 2003 World Series.
Now, to the matter discussed in the headline.
Mink Car is a carefully crafted message about the heart-rending pain that only a broken relationship can cause.
Some of you might ask, Who wrote Mink Car?
They Might Be Giants, I might reply. Some of you might ask, what is They Might Be Giants?
Musicians John Flansburgh and John Linnell, a dynamic duo second only to Batman and Robin, I might reply.
Unless you’ve examined the album carefully (You do have a copy of it, don’t you? Does the guy next you have one too? Why don’t you ask him right now??Don’t worry, I’ll wait while you do), you probably haven’t noticed this depressing melancholy theme, but through a slipshod?I mean thorough, track by track examination?I hope to help you discover the true meaning of Christmas, er, this album.
The first song, “Bangs,” explores superficial physical love, devoid of any deeper significance.
“I’m only holding your hand so I can look at your bangs,” croons the singer, perhaps indicating the reason why the relationship later soured.
In track two, “Cyclops Rock,” the protagonist is left reeling from the betrayal of someone whom he not only loved, but who he also taught “how to Cyclops Rock” (and you know what that means, right?).
The narrator of “Man, It’s So Loud In Here” is a prufrockesque character unable to force the moment?”Baby, check this out, I’ve got something to say / Man, it’s so loud in here.”
He blames his inadequacies on the ruckus around him and promises himself that when it quiet’s down, he’ll remember what he has to say.
But in the final refrain, he switches excuses, saying “when they start the love machine and I can love again / I’ll remember what it was.”
I could just continue like this, song by song, but odds are nobody but my editor would read all of it (and she gets paid?albeit not very well?to read it).
So in the interest of letting you get on with the rest of the paper, I’ll just briefly focus on some of the highlights, or lowlights, as it were.
“Another First Kiss” implies a dissatisfaction with the relationship in its current form and a wish to start over with a clean slate.
“Yeh Yeh,” the only unabashedly cheerful song would seem to counter my arguments, but if you examine the liner notes, they state under “Yeh Yeh” that this part is not included?an explicit disavowal of the cheerful message.
The deceitful narrator in “Finished with Lies” realizes that he’s about to be dumped by his girlfriend, prompting a sudden change of heart and protestations that he will never lie to her again.
“She Thinks She’s Edith Head” is likely the most disturbing song on the entire album.
Having apparently spurned a potential relationship with a girl unwilling to stifle herself with societal norms, the singer moves away and grows old, alone.
Upon returning to visit his family, he notices her in town but decides that things are too complicated now for a relationship to work and turns away, once again alone, with her image stuck in his mind.
Now you know what Mink Car is all about, so don’t give me any of that “It’s a happy, happy album” lip or Wally will use it for bait to catch the next Red Herring.
And next time you “get hit” by a mink car (or another car), just remember that the slow person in the opposite lane is to blame. Some of you may be thinking “I bet Brent recently suffered a major heartache that has turned his normally cheery disposition for the worse.”
To which I answer, “No.”
Or “Maybe.”
You can find out for sure when I write a really depressing column for either Christmas or Valentine’s Day.
Editor’s Note: The Comical is a totally satirical Web feature. Please don’t sue. For more RED Herrings see www.red-mag.com.