The University of Utah honored junior Jane Phillips with the U’s first annual Steve Nelson Involvement Award in a ceremony at Kingsbury Hall Saturday.
“We are honored to have such an involved and dedicated student here at the U,” said U President Bernie Machen at the ceremony. “How she finds the time to do it all is beyond me.”
Phillips writes for The Century, helps edit Shades Literary Magazine, is a student senator, serves as president of six on-campus groups, and holds active memberships in 13 other clubs.
A very frazzled Phillips stumbled up to the podium to accept her award.
“You want to know how I do it, Bernie? I’ll tell you. I don’t sleep!!” she screamed. “I hate this f****** school!!”
Machen quickly signaled some men in white labcoats who escorted Phillips away.
“Sorry about that,” he said with a nervous chuckle. “Kids these days.”
Phillips was taken to the mental ward of the U Hospital. She has been residing there for the past two weeks, and was released for the awards ceremony.
“The poor dearie, she just couldn’t take another senate meeting,” said nurse Betty Green. “She ticks through the minutes of the meetings in her sleep.”
Although recovering from heavy sedatives, Phillips agreed to speak to The Comical.
“What was I thinking? J’ai une bourse!! [I have a scholarship!!]” she slurred.
According to her mother, Judy, Phillips occasionally slips into French, which the doctors say is a sign of a ‘mental break’ with the world.
“I thought I could handle it. I was in every high-school club. What the hell was I thinking?? I don’t even know what classes I’m in anymore. How am I supposed to keep my GPA up?” she continued.
“Nelson and I were high school rivals, I thought I could beat him. He can’t be human,” she said, bursting into tears.
The interview ended as nurses came in with Phillips’ baby blanket and a ragged teddy bear.
Applications for next year’s achievement award are available in Dean of Students Stayner Landward’s office in Union 270.
Disclaimer: The Comical is pure satire and appears at the beginning of every week on The Chronicle’s Web site. Please take the stories as jokes and don’t call your lawyer. Thanks.