When your name is Butkus (pronounce the last half of the name ‘kiss’), you have absolutely no chance at a normal childhood. Kids pick on you, adults pick on you, hell, you probably pick on yourself.

But then, to add insult to injury, your parents name you Richard. Think about it?Richard Butkus. For the slow guy in the back of the room, his name is DICK Butkus.

And he is famous, for more than just his incredibly unfortunate name. Butkus was a brutal thug for the Chicago Bears in the 1960s.

Does anybody wonder where the aggression came from?

I didn’t think so.

What a horrible name. His parents, who were also stricken with the last name Butkus, made the dubious move of naming their child Richard.

Richard is the worst first name a man can have. Now that I think about it, it would be pretty bad for a woman too, but I haven’t met a woman named Richard before.

On the face of it, the name is fine. In fact, it sounds quite regal. But then comes the odd shortening of the name to the nickname that makes no sense. Richard becomes Dick, Robert becomes Bob, William become Bill, John becomes Jack.

Where the hell did these come from?

These odd nicknames should only accompany such unique names as Bobert, Billiam and Dickard. But I got outvoted on this one. Richard is still synonymous with Dick, a name synonymous with the male sexual organ, which is synonymous with funny jokes.

I don’t know what parents are thinking when they see that little bundle of joy and decide that forever he will be called Richard, hence, Dick.

The world is a tough enough place without that hanging over you constantly, for the rest of your life, and on your driver’s license right next to the photo with your mouth open and your eyes half shut.

You think I am exaggerating. OK, how about this.

If you are a person with a respectable name, suspend judgment and try to have a little sympathy while I tell you about a University of Utah professor.

Like Butkus, his last name alone probably caused him heartache on the playground.

Wacko.

His last name is Wacko. Poor guy.

But then his parents couldn’t help it. (I hear you snickering?at least let me make the joke before you start laughing.)

Yep, his name is Richard. Once again, for that slow guy in the back of the room, his name is DICK WACKO.

The U has a professor with the name Dick Wacko. I am sure everyone treats him with the respect he deserves while he is around, but once his back is turned, the jokes must fly like little annoying mosquitos that you just can’t get rid of.

And to make matters worse, he is a professor of ballet. Think of this guy as a kid. He likes to dance and his name is Dick Wacko. I am sure he never got beat up. (Hey slow guy, that was sarcasm)

I feel for Mr. Wacko, but every time I hear his name, I can’t help but chuckle. I can’t help but come up with joke after joke about Richard Wacko, the ballet professor.

There are so many last names that make the unfortunate first name Richard even more unfortunate.

In Cottonwood, Utah, lives a man named Richard Weed. You think I am making this up? Grab a White Pages and check for yourself.

There is also a Richard Cummings and a Richard Bone. (So, OK, I got really bored the other night with a couple of friends. I never said this was a mature topic, just that the name Richard stinks.)

But at least guys like Dick Weed and Dick Cummings are not in the spotlight as often as a man with the name Dick Butkus.

Come to think of it, no cool celebrity is named Richard.

There is Richard Simmons. I know, he scares me too.

Then there is Richard Gere. I am sure there are a few people who are upset that I don’t consider Dick Gere cool, but they obviously haven’t seen any of his movies recently.

There is Dick Cheney. Now, the man might be powerful, he might be evil (have you seen that scary grin of his?), he might have a heart that pumps with the same amount of success as a Tom Green movie at the box office, but in no way is this guy cool.

That should do it. All of you expecting mothers and fathers take heed of this warning. The name Richard sucks big time.

Oh, wait a minute. I forgot about Richard Roundtree. Sure, the name Dick Roundtree is still funny, but the man was Shaft. He is one cool mutha.

I guess you could have a worse name than Richard. You could always be called Jimmy Seaman.