I, Panda McCann, profound prognosticator and seer of the future, will now astound you with more of my predictions about events on the horizon.
First, let’s look at economic news. Last week, the Taliban, those loveable terror mongers, announced a new line of products to be sold on American markets beginning in January. The line is called Uncle Tali’s, and it features powdered sugar, flour and baking soda. Strangely enough, each of these products comes in the form of a white powder. Call me crazy, but I don’t think Uncle Tali’s goods are going to sell well in American stores.
The announcement of these new baking products coincided with a revelation by Taliban leader Mullah Mohammed Omar that even while music was banned in Afghanistan during his reign, Omar secretly kept a CD player and often listened to CDs of his favorite hard rock band: Anthrax.
“I also own a Public Enemy record,” said a proud Omar. “They did this kick-ass song with Anthrax in the early ’90s.”
My prediction is that when U.S. Marines confiscate Omar’s CD collection, they will introduce him to real hard rock bands like Metallica and Guns n’ Roses. Omar will quickly become a huge Axl Rose fan and insist on wearing leather pants.
Shocking, I know.
Moving on to entertainment news, I see another failed proposition on the horizon–and no, I’m not talking about Alec Baldwin’s sexual advances toward his younger brother William. I’m talking about al Qaeda’s new Saturday morning cartoon series, to air on American stations beginning in February, called “Osama and Friends.”
Most people I know won’t be tuning in to see bin Laden declare Jihad on the cast of Sesame Street. I predict a financial failure for those who foolishly invest in the Snugly Terrorist Cartoon Hour.
While I’m at it, here’s another entertainment prediction: Despite her high hopes, Britney Spears will not marry *NSYNC man-child Justin Timberlake. Why not? Because Justin is gay.
Moving right along, let’s talk about politics. I’m especially intrigued by the death-match former President Clinton has arranged for half-time of the Super Bowl. Former Attorney General Janet Reno is fighting former Secretary of State Madeline Albright. Word is that each combatant is allowed one weapon of her choice, and the brawl lasts until one fighter is dead.
I predict Albright will select Henry Kissinger’s memoirs as her weapon, repeatedly beating Reno over the head with these heavy and ultimately self absorbed volumes.
And Reno? She will shock the world by proving once and for all that she is really a man. Fighting naked, however, will not help her because her weapon will be Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr, someone Albright could beat with both hands tied behind her back. Final death-match prediction: Albright wins by decapitation.
Looking way off into the political future, I predict a near upset at the Democratic convention in 2004. Joseph Liebermann will be the front runner with Evan Bayh of Indiana close behind.
Most surprising, however, will be Al Gore’s absence from the primaries. At the convention, none other than Grizzly Adams will make a guest appearance and sweep the delegates off their feet with a profound speech.
The delegates will be ready to cast their votes for Adams when Liebermann realizes that the speaker is actually a Grizzly Adams imposter. The man behind that nasty beard is Al Gore! He simply hasn’t shaved since 2001. The delegates will then rush the stage and tear Gore to pieces for allowing Bush to beat him in 2000.
With another startling look into the future, I’m Panda McCann saying, “So long.”
Disclaimer: The Comical is pure satire and appears at the beginning of every week on The Chronicle’s Web site. Please take the stories as jokes and don’t call your lawyer. Thanks.