Utah Attorney General Mark Shurtleff has decided people should be able to carry guns at the U. In fact, he has released a statement saying it is illegal for administrators to prevent students from bringing concealed weapons on campus.
Shurtleff told reporters this morning, “There is no reason to be alarmed. Arming students has many benefits that far outweigh the catastrophes that will happen.”
Shurtleff said that those catastrophes may include accidental shootings, but would more likely be things like homicide and manslaughter.
“Accidental shootings are so uncommon,” Shurtleff said. “I’d say there is a much higher risk of some horny drunk freshman blowing some guy away for looking at his girlfriend the wrong way. And that obviously isn’t a big deal since we have such tough laws on murder. We’ll nail the kid who pulled the trigger. In fact, my office is ready for it.”
Since just about everything a student would want to use a gun for on campus is illegal, Shurtleff believes there won’t be any problems if his plan to let students arm themselves takes effect.
“If they use the gun, they’ll go to jail, and as I said we’re ready for them,” Shurtleff said.
Student groups supporting this bill are vocal. Jebediah Backwater, president of the U’s Inbred Dumbass Association, is happy to see Shurtleff take this stand.
“I had a bit of a hankering to shoot stuff the other day but didn’t have no gun to do it with,” said Backwater. “This guy Shirtless sounds all right to me. A man doesn’t have to wear a shirt and he doesn’t have to leave his gun at home.”
When it was pointed out to Backwater that the attorney general’s name was in fact Shurtleff, rather than Shirtless, he pointed a finger at the reporters head and said “Pow” a few times.
“Times like this I wish I could do some shooting,” Backwater stated.
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