Those weenies who run the Bowl Championship Series better be thanking their Bear Bryant voodoo dolls that Miami whipped the corn-infested snot out of Nebraska in Thursday night’s Rose Bowl, because they’d have looked dumber than George O’Leary if the results had been otherwise.

Had the Inbreeds?er, ‘Huskers managed to pull it off, they would’ve automatically been crowned champs by the folks at ESPN/USA Today, while the greasy-golf-shirted crew of The Associated Press would’ve tabbed Oregon.

Do the math, buck-o. That would have meant?

Two national champions.

Granted, my knowledge of the English language in general, and sports vernacular more specifically, is not nearly so otherworldly as the average freshman’s libido, but I always understood the word “champion” to have a kind of singular bent to it.

Now, having two champs is obviously not unprecedented, as it’s happened as recently as ’97, when Michigan took AP honors and Nebraska got the nod from the Coaches Poll.

Ironically, it was that messy split that led to the formation of the BCS in the first place.

Consequently, the BCS has therefore accomplished precious little?including making co-champions appear more attractive than the progeny of Michael Jackson and his favorite chimp, Bubbles.

True, this mess that we call the process of trying to set up a national championship game is not completely the fault of the BCS. After all, if teams would just win when they were supposed to, we wouldn’t be reduced to worrying about whether the computer program we’re trusting to do everything from rank college football teams to keeping Dick Cheney’s cybernetic android heart beating was designed by some dude whose previous experience with computers was limited exclusively to looking up internet porn.

Just consider all the teams in line to play the ‘Canes for the title at one point or another this year.

It was going to be Oklahoma, but the Sooners lost to Nebraska.

It was going to be Nebraska, but the ‘Huskers got 62 dropped on ’em by Colorado.

So then it was going to be Texas, but the Longhorns also fell to the Buffs.

So the Sooners were the favorites again, until they got embarrassed by Oklahoma State.

Then Florida took the lead, until the Gators were upended by LSU.

That opened the door for Tennessee, but the Volunteers also lost to the Tigers.

So it was Nebraska again.

Still, some argued that Colorado, as the hottest team in the nation, should play for the title.

But CU subsequently got smoked by Oregon in the Fiesta Bowl.

All in all, more people falling flat than a post-silicone Pamela Anderson.

But let’s not let the ineptitude of a half-dozen bumbling would-be title contenders detract from the ineptitude of an arcane, ill conceived, worthless BCS system, all right?

The NCAA continues to bristle at the prospect of a playoff system, fearing it will detract from the prestige of other bowl games. The NCAA apparently fails to realize that the GMAC Bowl, the Visit Florida Tangerine Bowl, the GalleryFurniture.com Bowl and the Music City Bowl are devoid of “prestige” from the outset.

So instead, the narcs bluster forward with a formula so convoluted it could be the Tax Code, so psychotic it could apply for a position at the U.S. Postal Service, and so utterly arbitrary that it seems to have been conceived by a couple of drinking buddies who’d had three too many Heinekens one night.

In the absence of a playoff, and with insistence upon sticking with some chaotic recipe for a high ranking, the least the NCAA could do is adopt some intriguing criteria?

Five points awarded for every personal foul penalty; eight for running a flea-flicker; 50 for knocking the smirk off of Steve Spurrier’s face with a strong-side linebacker.

Or something like that.

It could lead to the Anarchy Bowl.

It would keep fans entertained.

And it just might be the second-best formula for determining the national champ?

The best being, of course, Miami’s ever-so-rare tactic of running the table against a schedule devoid of opponents whose names end with the words Community College, Polytechnic Institute and Jesuit Seminary.

Talk about raising ‘Cane.

Eric welcomes feedback at: [email protected].