Ever since the new millennium hit us (whether you adhered to the perceived or actual one, I give not a whit) everyone has developed a fixation with that ancient sage Nostradamus.
He did, after all, predict everything, you know.
He predicted the rise of Hitler, the assassinations of John and Bobby Kennedy, the ascension of Dubya to the U.S. Presidency, the Sept. 11 attacks, the nutritional content of Total cereal, the lack of innocence of Britney Spears and the box office success of “Harry Potter.”
Or so I’ve been told anyway.
Well, given the dude’s remarkable visions of the future, a college intellectual such as myself naturally could not help but investigate the writings and prognostications of this venerable soothsayer.
And, unfortunately for my bookie, I found his ancient predictions about how this year’s NFL Playoffs would unfold on the NFC side.
Hot damn! Looks like both tuition and rent get paid this month!
At any rate, being the generous soul that I am, I’m going to share with everyone the results. And you can trust these 100 percent?regardless of how off the wall they may seem. After all?they’re not coming from me?
They’re from Nostradamus!
Wild Card RoundEagles 20, Buccaneers 13
“Birds of prey, hailing from a city of brotherly love and outstanding cheesesteaks,” Nostradamus said, “will swoop down upon men of ill repute and poor offensive ability, pecking their eyes out for two weeks consecutively and expediting the departure of an upstanding leader and ushering in the reign of a man known to be Superior.”
I feel a little bad that my Philly boys will lead to the firing of Tony Dungy and the hiring of Steve Spurrier, but I am relieved to see them make it out of the opening round. Thank god for the N-Dawg.
Packers 31, 49ers 24
“The land of cheese aplenty proves too cold for the seekers of gold,” he wrote.
Simple but unmistakable prophesying that the San Francisco Cinderella story is about to see the clock strike midnight and its fairytale season turn into a hunk of cheddar.
It’s just uncanny, though, how even centuries in the past, Nostradamus would know not to bet against Brett Favre in the opening round.
Conference SemifinalsBears 17, Eagles 10
“Men of big shoulders will brave the wind of their city and turn back their invaders, whose inconsistent method of attack cannot be sustained alone by the brave but unassisted Irishman.”
All right, so Donovan McNabb isn’t really Irish, but you can see how the N-Man might make such a simple mistake. Think of the bigger picture, though, with the stout Chicago defenders proving to Philly that McNabb can’t do it all himself.
Rams 38, Packers 21
“A bearded man of elfish humor will be done in by the blinding speed and relentless assault of his juggernaut adversary.”
Talented and likeable as Favre is, the Rams’ scoring machine is simply too powerful for the good ol’ boy from Mississippi to overcome. Truly, the man was genius. And finally?
NFC ChampionshipRams 28, Bears 10
“What?! You thought that Brian Urlacher could slow down Marshall Faulk and Kurt Warner? Yeah?and I really made all those wacky, goofball predictions that people will one day attribute to me. Get serious, you bunch of doofuses.”
OK?that was a bit harsh. And incredibly specific too. But hey, who am I to question that which was said by the great Nostradamus?
Now, if only I could find his writings dealing with the point spreads?
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