Professor Ralph Schwartz has a recurring dream of a group of students standing at attention. The one on the far right wears a diabolical smile and says, “here is your course evaluation. Ready, aim, fire.”
Schwartz wakes up in a cold sweat every night since he heard that state lawmakers plan to repeal the U’s no-gun policy.
He twitches when a student drops a pen and the old threats of “give me an A or I will kill you” have new meaning.
“I know I’ve been a jerk to some students in the past. If those students can carry weapons on campus, I am in big trouble,” he said.
Joey Harmon agrees.
He has cleaned his 9mm handgun 15 times in the past week so he can start taking it to Schwartz’s architecture class.
“This pretty little thing is not meant to kill anything. It is meant to protect me from all of the predators who feed on the innocent students of the U,” said Harmon.
Harmon later said he was not talking about parking services, but criminals and yes, Schwartz.
“I have a few professors who would probably treat me with more respect if I let them get a peak at Betsy. I call it Betsy,” he said holding his firearm.
Harmon is one of a few thousand students who have started packing concealed weapons to class.
This is exactly what U President Bernie Machen didn’t want to see.
Faculty attending class in fear, while students entering class feeling the power that comes with carrying a loaded weapon.
He has always pictured a campus more focused on education than gun rights, religion and wealthy donors. He also wishes he had all of his hair, but then again Machen doesn’t normally get what he wants.
However, Machen is not sulking in the defeat.
“If you can’t beat the idiots, join them,” he said.
Starting next academic year, every student must take a gun-safety course. The U will also create the firearms department that will educate students about guns and gun rights. The department will hire faculty using a $5 million gift from the National Rifle Association. Charlton Heston will be the acting department chairman.
All of this makes Schwartz even more upset.
“Guns kill people, people kill people, and I am worried that a person with a gun will kill me,” he said.
Disclaimer: The Comical is pure satire and appears at the beginning of every week on The Chronicle’s Web site. Please take the stories as jokes and don’t call your lawyer. Thanks.