Hell has frozen over. Pigs have flown. And Karl Malone spoke of himself without using the third person.
While such events have not truly transpired, another occurrence that once seemed to be on equal footing in terms of impossibility actually has happened.
Rick Majerus turned down seconds.
The volatile and voracious U men’s basketball coach set the culinary world on its ear Monday afternoon when he declined a proffered extra helping at Fat Tony’s All-You Can-Eatery.
Food critics and restaurant proprietors nationwide immediately expressed dismay upon hearing that the notoriously food-friendly coach had managed some self restraint after a relatively meager meal of an extra-large meat lover’s pizza and two buckets of buffalo wings.
“This is really bad news?I count on coach Majerus for a substantial portion of my business,” said Mario Luigi, owner of Bubba’s Texas-Style Ribs. “If he’s on some kind of new-age health kick where he’s limiting himself to a couple thousand calories per meal and cutting back his cholesterol by a few hundred points, I’m really, really screwed.”
Fat Tony’s waiter Walter O’Reilly said he saw Majerus finish what he thought would be merely an appetizer, and was preparing to bring the coach a pan of lasagna, a heaping order of chili-cheese fries and a triple-bacon cheeseburger to satiate him until the fried chicken?an entire fried chicken?was ready for his consumption?
Only to experience the eye opening, jaw-dropping miracle of hearing Majerus turn him down.
“Dude, we, like, had our chefs working some overtime just ‘cuz we knew he was coming in, and then he stops after an extra-large pizza and two buckets of wings?” O’Reilly said incredulously. “Maybe the dude’s got Ebola or something, ‘cuz I know he ain’t right to be eating that little. He’s gonna have a stomach ache when he goes to bed tonight.”
The incident was believed to be the first-ever documented occurrence of Majerus declining food?an event that has acquaintances wondering?but not concerned?about his health.
“Look, the man’s only got basketball and food in his life, so it’s no wonder he’s a miserable, miserly curmudgeon. But if he doesn’t even appreciate food anymore, he’s really got some issues he needs to work out,” said basketball commentator Sherman Potter. “He didn’t get to be near 400 pounds without habitually gorging himself on enough food to choke an elephant, so clearly this incident is unusual, to say the least.”
For his part, Majerus insists that while his single-course meal may be unprecedented, it is not the cause for concern that some suggest it should be.
“Look, an hour earlier, I snuck out of practice, went down to Pete’s Pasta Palace and grubbed on about 12 pounds of macaroni and cheese,” Majerus said. “After a meal like that, there was no way I’d be ready for seconds at Tony’s for at least another hour-and-a-half. And I already had reservations made for that Far East Chinese place at that time. And canceling reservations is just plain rude.”
Disclaimer: The Comical is pure satire and appears at the beginning of every week on The Chronicle’s Web site. Please take this as just a small joke at your expense coach and don’t call your lawyer. Thanks.
P.S. please keep the winning streak going.