University of Utah film student, Sark Rickles, has a dream: “I want to make the next ‘Star Wars,’ but without all those Ewoks or fucking Jar Jar. I mean, c’mon George, what were you thinking?”
Such are the hopes of today’s up-and-coming sci-fi directors, most of whom?despite being deluded into thinking “Babylon 5” was well written, and that the Warshawski brothers have artistic vision?still consider topping Lucas’ granddaddy of epics with their own rip-off “saga” the ultimate geek goal.
Rickles, with rosy cheeks, ample gut and limitless ambition, is no different; and, until recently, his problems were the same, too: No connections, no equipment and no money. Thus, his “Star Wars”-crushing, multi planetary saga, “Constellation Clash: Sun-day Siege,” was left to collect proverbial dust in the recesses of his brain.
Enter the University of Utah’s brand-new camera security system.
In recent months, more than 500 surveillance cameras with the ability to move and zoom have been erected in undisclosed “hotspots” around the campus to keep the athletes staying in the Olympic Village secure.
The system, ostensibly designed to match convicted criminals’ faces to a database, has another practical use, according to Rickles, who has come to an agreement with the university to commandeer the system for a week for his own devices.
The first-time director explains how he negotiated his new brand of budgetary filmmaking: “It’s real simple. I can film whatever and whenever I want all over campus. I don’t get paid, but if I see any illegally parked vehicles while I’m filming or editing, I report the plates to parking services.”
When asked about the results, Rickles deepens his voice and excitedly gurgles, “most impressive.” He demonstrates how he constructed a battle scene out of surveillance footage for his upcoming movie.
“It was really just a matter of splicing together two separate shots of U students moving across campus. Then, I insert the soundtrack from my Casio Rapman, toss in laser beams, screaming and voila?’Braveheart’ meets ‘2001.’”
But what about characters, story and dialogue? Easy, claims Rickles. “I just zoom in real close on two people having a conversation. Dub for humans and sub for aliens. And if I’m lucky, sometimes I can even lip-read what they’re saying and work that into the script.
“My biggest beef is with some of the students here. Frankly, we had some sandbaggers on set.”
As for the notion that there are laws to prevent surveillance video recordings from being broadcast, Rickles offers this sage observation: “I’ve seen, like, hundreds of underground videos recording people in bathrooms and dressing rooms?do you think any of them are in the Screen Actors Guild?”
But how do university students feel about their newfound roles as student actors? In a B-movie space opera, no less? As this reporter discovered, feelings were mixed?with sarsaparilla and a twist of lime:
“Get out my fucking way, dude.”
“RED Maga-what?”
“Jigga who?”
As it stands, “Constellation Clash: Sun-day Siege,” with its cast of thousands of unknowing U students, and sets ranging from the Union (doubling as the Starship Quasar), the cement plaza next to the Marriott Library (a.k.a. Desert Planet Brahe VI) and the Behavioral Science Building (The Tower of Doom), is set to premiere over the weekend at the little-known Sundance knock-off, Lapdance?a disappointment to Rickles, who had hoped that the movie would’ve been screened in the much more popular Sundance venue.
“Sundance is the director’s ultimate test and simultaneous goal,” explains Rickles. “It would’ve been like Worf going in front of the Klingon High Council, you know? I deserved the shot,” Rickles continued, “but ‘Constellation Clash’ just doesn’t have the star power it takes to get noticed nowadays.
“Yeah, I blame the students for not being better actors,” Rickles continues, “but I also think [President Bernie] Machen needs to really look at giving more scholarships to people in Hollywood?preferably ones who can act.”
And what does U’s homegrown director plan for an encore? Rickles says, “I think I’m going to remake ‘1984.’”
Editor’s Note: The Comical is a totally satirical Web feature. Please don’t sue. For more RED Herrings see www.red-mag.com.