While many Olympics visitors were worried about the availability of alcohol in Utah, most fears were quenched when travelers arrived to find that Utahns also share the world’s love for all types of ill shit. Such pastimes as drinking, smoking, drug use and lusting were rampant in Utah in February, and it doesn’t look like the trend will slow down any time soon.
The U.S. Bureau of All Types of Ill Shit (BATIS) recently released a report detailing the rise in ill-related activity in Utah. The report details a continuing trend over the last decade in which Utahns proved their conservative reputation false.
“Since 1991,” the report claims, “smoking and drinking among the 18-35 age group has nearly tripled in Utah. Illicit activities?such as getting ripped, getting baked and getting one’s smoke on?have nearly doubled in the same time period.”
BATIS paid special attention to crystal meth production, one of Utah’s leading exports.
“Utah is one of the nation’s leaders in methamphetamine production,” it reads. “The state alone has been responsible for 14 percent of the nation’s meth produced in the past five years. It takes a whole lot of serious dumb asses to make so much meth. Utah even nudged out Missouri in number of meth labs per capita.”
As for sex, the report outlines a drastic contradiction to Utah’s image as a pre marital wasteland, void of sex until religious blessing.
“Sexual activity of all kinds, among all age groups, has risen dramatically over the test period. Among 14 to 17 year olds, sexual activity has risen 58 percent. In the 18 to 24 age group, the increase is 71 percent! People in Utah just love getting it on.”
The report also drew some provocative connections between local culture and sexual activity.
“When the Utah Jazz are performing well,” the report read, “sexual activity is up an additional 13.4 percent. It seems that in addition to being one of the NBA’s all-time leading points scorers, the Mailman is also the sexual godfather of Utah.”
Reaction to the BATIS report has been widely varied throughout Utah. While some see the figures as a sign of the state’s growing cosmopolitan maturity, others see it as call to the decimation and corruption of the community.
P. Dale Rumsduck, an analyst for local conservative think tank Preservation Station, was shocked and appalled by the report.
“I am shocked and appalled by the report,” Rumsduck said. “Even here at P.S., we had no idea so many young people engaged in this sort of activity. We always thought it was a fringe, reject sector of the population. ‘Just a bunch of damn punks,’ as my father would have said. Oh Dad, it seems like so long ago that we lost you. I always thought you’d be around to give me advice raising the kids. You did so well with Peg and I, you know. And with the scary state the world is in now, Dad, I could use your wisdom more than ever. I don’t know, maybe I should pack up and move the family to Layton.”
While Rumsduck continued to lament the fallen state of society?all the while making disturbing references to his late father?he also mentioned the Preservation Station game plan to combat what it calls “an epidemic.”
“We’re organizing and sponsoring church-oriented youth rallies all over the state,” said Rumsduck. “Re strengthening our state’s religious and family values is the key to this battle. If kids have a place to be safe, sheltered and bored out of their minds, they will be ripe for indoctrination, which we all know is the fastest, surefire way to social order. Uh? you know what, edit that last part out. I don’t think that sounds quite right. You’ll edit that out, right? I better go.”
While Rumsduck was visibly nervous talking about the issues raised in the BATIS report, Clarence Clydesdale, a Salt Lake City dope dealer, openly welcomed conversation about ill shit.
“Shit, man,” said Clydesdale, “if you ask me, I’ll tell you that business is booming. My last two customers were a 17 year-old girl with a ‘Power Puff Girls’ shirt and then a 68-year old dude with no hair and a beard. Whew, talk about a diversified market.”
“I don’t even have to advertise anymore,” he continued. “Word on the street has been so good that I just canceled my lease on four billboards I had in West Valley, Orem and Magna. It’s a damn shame too. The Magna sign was a real eye-catcher. It had a bunch of glamorous supermodels that I pulled out of magazines. I pasted up a dozen photos of those half naked bastards and nothing else but my beeper number. That one really connected with the market. My sales portfolio in Magna tripled in a single fiscal quarter!”
When asked about the report from the Bureau of All Types of Ill Shit, Clydesdale had definite fears about side effects. Aside from concerns about conservative government reaction, Clydesdale worried about the attraction of outside influence to Utah’s black market.
“The law is one thing,” he said. “One thing altogether. If I didn’t have certain lawmakers in my pocket, I’d be out of business for sure. What really worries me is that we’re going to draw heat from organized crime. This is Salt Lake City. I may sell drugs, but I’m still a pretty nice guy. I’m not some tough-guy gangster packing heat, you know. I don’t even know what the mob is really like, but can you imagine Tony Soprano running the streets of Salt Lake? No thanks, man. I’ll pack up and move to Layton.”
While conservative leaders build their medieval catapult to launch pushers, pimps and prostitutes into Nevada, the black market braces for the crackdown. All the while, kids and adults alike are riding the crest of the party wave. The wave will crash, no doubt. Change will come, whether in the form of Tony Soprano or Gov. Mike Leavitt. What’s the difference?
Salt Lake City has longed to be on the world map as a major metropolitan center. Now that it is heading down that road, some definite side effects are emerging. Its like those after school specials where the outcast kid gains acceptance by the popular group and ends up addicted to crack. Oh, if only our state’s affairs were an after-school special.
Editor’s Note: The Comical is a totally satirical Web feature. Please don’t sue. For more RED Herrings see www.red-mag.com.