There are those who believe in the existence of alternate dimensions?quasi-universes based in theory on the occurrences and elements of our known existence, but which diverge into variant realities, usually generated via opposite manifestations of choices made in this world.
An even more mind-blowing concept, however, is that a few of these individuals actually don’t have every line of every episode of “Star Trek” memorized verbatim.
Still, while such hypotheticals usually only force me to encourage those involved to develop some kind of meaningful relationship or interaction with a lifeform other than their Mac G4 or some resident of the Tryon Nebula, given that I’m not yet entirely convinced of the existence of some Wally doppelgnger out there, the concept is, nevertheless, intriguing.
That being said, even those who equate science fiction with neutering a dog in terms of enjoyable hobbies to have ought to employ the willing suspension of disbelief (you know, that thing that allows you to believe momentarily that Keanu Reeves is an action hero, rather than some talentless hack incapable of the faintest impression of a human emotion, let alone uttering a word in anything other than his monotone, English-as-a-fourth-language style) for just a few moments and consider the possibilities inherent in alternative representations of each of us existing somewhere in the universe?
Were that the case, then somewhere, somehow, Bobby Knight would still be coaching Indiana, and preparing to go up against fellow coaching legend and curmudgeon Rick Majerus.
Along with that reality would come the sudden, instantaneous and irreversible transfer of the universe’s entire supply of ego to the basketball court of ARCO Arena in pseudo-Sacramento, Calif., this Thursday.
I can only imagine what they might have to say to each other, were they to meet in the days or hours leading up to the game?
***
BK: You don’t win by being nice. You don’t win games by giving players milk and cookies.
RM: Yeah, I know?I tried that once and the NCAA slapped me with a ‘Secondary Rules Violation.’
BK: NCAA violation?! If you’d’ve pulled that crap on my team and cost us a game, your sorry ass would’ve been looking for a new place to play.
RM: Look, genius, I don’t play, I coach.
BK: Well, you wouldn’t’ve been coaching for me! And don’t interrupt me, dammit.
RM: Hey?I’m not some little Steve Alford wannabe that you can push around. And what makes you think I’d be your subordinate?
BK: Of course there’s nothing little about you. As for that other thing, how many national championships have you won?
RM: How many universities have you been kicked out of?
BK: Hey, pal, I may throw the occasional chair onto the court or a Puerto Rican police officer into a trash can, but I teach the fundamentals and I teach discipline. These kids are craving it and you can’t win without it.
RM: Like free-throwing. And boxing out. And oh-fensive rebounding. You can’t teach those things enough.
BK: Yeah?ya know, maybe you’re not a complete idiot after all.
RM: Kiss me, you beautiful hunk of a man!
***
Ummmmm??
Assuming that these parallel dimensions routinely feature Rick Majerus and Bobby Knight in a sweaty heap of afterglow, maybe there’s a reason we don’t have access to them or even knowledge of them.
After all, the human mind is only equipped to process a certain level of visceral information, and such a scenario would obviously exceed the recommended parameters and cause the brain to melt into a molten mound of goop resembling Majerus’s thighs.
Ow?I think I just sprained my eyeballs.
Anyway, I think I prefer to let the Trekkies worry about finding the portal between the universes. I’ll stick to the much more molecularly safe adventure of losing money in an office NCAA Tournament pool.
That’s something I can do in any dimension.
Eric welcomes feedback at: [email protected].