OK, ladies and germs. It’s time for more fantabulously orgasmic predictions by the Sage from Salt Lake, Panda McCann. By the time you read this, the future events I am about to describe will be artifacts of a long-distant past. I am writing this mere hours before the Academy Awards ceremony, predicting exactly what will happen. When you read this, you will immediately hail me the Nostradamus of a new age.
I will begin with best supporting actress. This award goes to Britney Spears’ bra for doing more supporting than anyone or anything else this past year. Unfortunately, that is the only award coming out of Spears’ film debut.
Ron Howard will undoubtedly claim the Oscar trophy for ugliest director. Have you seen this guy do an interview lately? Yuck! You’d think all the cash he’s earned from films like “Backdraft” and “Apollo 13” would buy him a membership in Hairclub for Men. Or he could at least purchase a hat.
Unfortunately, no one will walk away with the title of best-looking director. If these people had good looks, they’d star in the films themselves instead of hiring some pretty boy to play the part.
Moving right along, “Blackhawk Down” takes the cake as this year’s most violent film, barely edging out “We Were Soldiers” and “Monsters Inc.” When I told John Goodman about my prediction here, he threatened to beat me to death with a Billy Crystal. Hmmm, perhaps “Monsters Inc.” deserves a bit more consideration.
What about Best Actress, you ask? Well, it really doesn’t matter. As long as Julia Roberts didn’t receive a nomination (and she didn’t), we’re all safe. Roberts once again frightened the entire nation last year when, upon receiving her Oscar statue for Best Actress, she grinned. Everyone in the audience simultaneously gasped, then hid under their chairs at the site of the most enormous mouth they’d ever seen.
Even Steven Tyler expressed amazement at how someone’s trap could grow to such gargantuan proportions. Moments after Roberts flashed her humongous set of pearly whites, elephant hunters from around the world began bidding on the rights to kill her for the ivory. And in a shocking turn of events, I predict that Roberts will not even make an appearance at this year’s Academy Awards ceremony. She will instead be sent to the hospital for accidentally swallowing her own face.
Last, but not least, I must inform you all of my prediction for Best Picture. Even though “Lord of the Rings” and “A Beautiful Mind” seem to be this year’s favorites, neither film will win. Nor will any of the other three nominations. Instead, “Dude, Where’s My Car?” will win by a landslide, thanks to numerous write-in votes. It seems that when all the members of the Academy gathered to discuss this year’s picks, they decided to get stoned. And the rest is soon to be history.
Disclaimer: The Comical is pure satire and appears at the beginning of every week on The Chronicle’s Web site. Please take the stories as jokes and don’t call your lawyer. Thanks.