As the U golf team embarks upon its latest excursion of futility (this time, otherwise known as the Anteater Invitational in Irvine, Calif.), U golf coach Wayne Fisher, apparently tired of witnessing the Barney Fife-like foibles of his existing group of so-called “athletes,” is expanding his recruiting base to include “any person who’s ever even heard of golf.”
“Look, after finishing 13th out of 17 competing teams for the bazillionth damn time, and coming in about 19,000 strokes behind San Diego Freakin’ State every time, I don’t think I’m too out of line in this new strategy to stock my roster,” Fisher said.
And so the coach outlined a new set of criteria to determine eligibility of potential applicants to compete on the collegiate varsity level of golf.
“This is basically the deal: If you’ve ever played golf with your dad, your friends, in an [Exercise and Sport Science] class at the U, you can play for us. If you’ve ever seen a pair of clubs at a sporting goods store or stolen some out the back of some rich yuppie’s Lexus, you’ve at least got a tryout. If you’ve ever seen that “Bagger Vance” movie, watched some tournament on TV, or ever even heard of Tiger Woods, you could be playing golf for the University of Utah,” Fisher said.
The longtime U coach acknowledged that while this latest “recruiting trip” varied a tad from the traditional style of visiting top players and attempting to lure them here through touting the advantages of the state and the university, he suggested that straying from the tried and-true methodology was, perhaps, not so much a matter of experimentation as desperation.
“For the love of God, what do you think I can tell anyone half decent to get them to come here? ‘Yeah, Jimmy, all that winter snow is great for hitting the links, soaking up the sun, and attracting the babes,'” Fisher said rhetorically. “Why would anyone good want to come here when they could play in California?
“That being said, Utah’s got more golf courses per capita than any other state in the country,” he added. “There’s got to be someone in this state who doesn’t totally suck ass and is willing to play for us instead of BYU, doesn’t there?” he concluded.
Perhaps not, but then again, choosing between what he has now and some weed-smoking Mountain Dew boy who claims to be a third cousin of “Greg Normanson” is proving to be a tougher choice for Fisher than one might expect.
“It’s nothing personal against the guys on the team?it just would help if they realized that you’re supposed to try and get that little white ball in the hole as soon as possible,” Fisher said. “Who’s to say that some little jerk-off with a rap sheet longer than the list of names in Derek Jeter’s little black book, who gets off on kifing three packs of “Titleist” balls, couldn’t do it better?”
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