WASHINGTON?In a surprising turn from recent foreign policy, President Bush announced his plans to expand the so-called “Axis of Evil” to include Panama, South Dakota and Disneyland.
Before a crowd of reporters and public officials, Bush unveiled his extended definition for the evil axes Saturday during a press conference discussing the current situation in Palestine.
“This war of violence needs to be stopped,” a resolute President Bush said. “We need to be doing everything possible to exterminat[e]?these evil foes.”
The president highlighted his intended policies toward the newly named aggressors, calling for “swift and heedless justice” against them.
White House spokesman Kenneth Riley outlined Bush’s proposal for military action against the three areas, followed by a statistical analysis of how the “invisible” axis could pass through the additional territories of evil while still maintaining a straight line.
“It’s really quite simple,” Riley said. “And it’s all due to our good friend, the Doppler Effect.”
Riley refused to elaborate or explain himself.
While Bush suggested that the American people proceed “with every ounce of caution,” he said military infiltration of the areas?especially those existing within the contiguous United States?may be warranted.
Disneyland topped the Bush’s list of evil influences contributing to the terrorist threat. Bush accredits the billion-dollar tourist attraction?the nation’s second-most popular?with “twisting and perverting the hearts and minds” of U.S. citizens.
“That Mickey Mouse is a tricky son of a dipstick,” said Bush in his address. “I do not trust him.”
When asked whether Walt Disney’s additional theme parks?existing in France, Florida and Tokyo?would be added to the axis, Bush responded promptly.
“I have no problem with Walt Disney,” said Bush. “As a matter of fact., I believe he was from Texas, a homeboy?one of my own. But this Disneyland affair has got to stop.”
Bush also explained his grievances against the state of South Dakota.
“It’s not a real state,” the President said. “In my opinion, it doesn’t deserve to be. And come on, now , folks?seriously?what was?the last best thing to come out of South Dakota?”
“For us, it’s strictly a security issue,” Vice President Dick Cheney said. “South Dakota’s a border state?a territory, and we can’t expose ourselves to outside terrorist mentalities that could infiltrate the United States.”
The White House said it has received several reports from intelligence agencies who have spotted Taliban and al Qaeda members from the respective areas.
Disneyland was named a hideout for terrorists and criminals, as it hosts nearly 12 million visitors each year, some of who dress up as dwarfs and Goofy. Cheney announced that searches were underway at the theme-park to find al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden himself, responsible for the Sept. 11 attacks.
“I can assure you?We will leave no stone unturned,” said President Bush. “We will seek out and find these criminals. Even if we have to go on that awful ‘Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride’ ride.”
When informed that there were no rocks in either Disneyland or South Dakota, President Bush pressed forward in his agenda against Panama.
“The people of Panama, I’ve been told, doesn’t speak English,” said Bush. “How can we expect to?trust a nation that doesn’t speak English?”
The president plans to call a special convention for lawmakers to discuss plans for ousting the areas on the newly defined axis. Representatives from South Dakota and Southern California will not be permitted to attend.
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