Staffers of Pro Choice booth not hassled?Students for Choice, the on-campus abortion-rights activist group, came to the U Police Department complaining that no one had hassled them Thursday. Typically setting up booths outside the Union two to four times per week, Students for Choice members are usually harassed by passers by. Unsure how to respond in the absence of harassment, the activists played it safe and came by the police office to complain anyway.
Man steals girlfriend’s heart, wallet?A U student won over his classmate’s heart, eventually upgrading her to girlfriend status. After several days of romantic phone calls, sweet talk and promises to take her ballroom dancing, he became irritable and started borrowing money. Although she claims she loves him, she also accuses him of stealing $54.75 and a gift certificate to Red Lobster.
U actually prosecutes alcohol offenders?Six underage drinkers were caught in the U residence halls. Contrary to standing U policy to let all such offenders go without punishment, the on scene officers slapped all six on the wrist with a wet ruler and confiscated the alcohol in question. Police were disappointed when they found it was just wine coolers.
Man bites dog?Foaming from the mouth, a man screaming he couldn’t take it anymore and “f*** the Smurfs!” attacked a poodle on U property, savagely biting it in the rump. The dog suffered no serious injury, so the man said he’d try again next week.
Midget steals “precious” ring?A member of the U community accused a burglar of breaking into his cavernous hovel, threatening him with a glowing knife, bullying him emotionally with riddles and stealing his gold ring. Describing the ring as “precious,” the community member vows vengeance on the burglar and his posterity. The ring thief is described as midget-like and hairy of foot. The ring was a birthday present, the man said.
Student accuses classmate of ego fraud?A political science student reported to the police that he whispered a joke about state legislators to a classmate Tuesday. During the Thursday session of the class, the classmate reportedly made the exact same joke, but aloud, winning himself class laughter, teacher approval and a lingering smile from the cute girl who always wears yellow. The first student is charging him with ego fraud and joke larceny.
Shooting spree in the garden!?U History Professor David Yyyzyzyrn was awakened Saturday night by the noise of burglary rummaging through his garden.
Yyyzyzyrn rang the Salt Lake police, but they told him that there were no officers in his area, so no one was available to catch the thieves.
Yyyzyzyrn said, “OK,” hung up, counted to 30 and rang the police again.
“Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed?” he said, “well, you don’t have to worry about them now, I’ve just shot them all.”
Within five minutes, there were half a dozen police cars and an Armed Response unit in front of Yyyzyzyrn’s house, and they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said to Yyyzyzyrn, “I thought you said you’d shot them!”
Yyyzyzyrn replied, “I thought you said there was no-one available to respond!”
Police tip of the week?Just a reminder, kids, the University Bookstore will be open all week. Be on your guard.
Disclaimer: The Comical is pure satire and appears at the beginning of every week on The Chronicle’s Web site. Please take the stories as jokes and don’t call your lawyer. Thanks.