I’ll bet you didn’t know Baryshnikov played football.
Well, he doesn’t.
But Jason Kaufusi does, and he’s apparently a regular twinkletoes.
On the advice of the Utes’ strength coach, Jason Veltkamp, the junior U defensive end, who was named a 2001 All-MWC First Teamer started taking ballet classes last year to improve his flexibility and agility, like NFL great Walter Payton circa 1984.
The thing is, Kaufusi kept taking the dance classes long after they were necessary, apparently, because he turned into some kind of big-time pansy and actually likes the stuff.
“The dude kept trying to convince us that this would help him become a better player, but man, you don’t need to take a starring role in “Swan Lake” every weekend to be able to get past some 300 pound o-lineman with extra junk in his trunk,” said fellow Ute defensive lineman Garrett Smith. “And seeing him in that pink tutu is just f***ed up.”
Kaufusi, however, defended his decision to tarnish his image as a rugged, manly, testosterone-laden football grunt by participating in such an estrogen-producing pastime as ballet.
“As a result of my taking this class, now, on the gridiron, I will be able to utilize agility and coordination, in addition to my strength and speed,” Kaufusi said.
“And he’ll be able to add tights to his wardrobe without feeling like a transvestite,” added Smith.
Though U defensive coordinator Kyle Whittingham was initially pleased with Kaufusi’s extra efforts to better himself as a football player, he had anticipated that the ballet fixation would last only a month or two. Now that it has gone on well over a year, the coach is having second thoughts about the whole situation.
“If I line him up against some monster 300-pound cannibal offensive tackle, Jason’s not going to have any mental edge whatsoever. Before, opponents feared his speed. Now, they’re just going to ask him if, after the game, he’s going to go home to his wife and crochet some baby booties,” Whittingham said. “I think the whole thing’s just backfired.”
Smith, a 2001 All-MWC First Teamer himself, agreed with the coach’s assessment, but noted that it wasn’t too late for something good to come out of the situation.
“Man, if you ask me, the punk b**** should’ve just lifted more weights and run more wind sprints if he wanted to get better,” Smith said. “On the plus side, though, his birthday’s coming up, and that gives me an excuse to go hit the ol’ Victoria’s Secret store at the mall. I know I can find him something real pretty and lacy.”
Disclaimer: The Comical is pure satire and appears at the beginning of every week on The Chronicle’s Web site. Please take the stories as jokes and don’t call your lawyer. Thanks.