The University of Utah football team’s freshman third string safety/rover/linebacker/long snapper D’aundre Wadsworth isn’t happy.
But his heat doesn’t stem from a nasty blindside de cleater, from his inferior bench press in the weight room, or from societal complications stemming from his removal from south central Los Angeles to the Wasatch Front.
It’s far more serious.
Wadsworth is fuming because University of Utah food service Chartwells’ biscuits just don’t compare with the ones mama used to make.
Chartwells’ dry, unmoist and nearly flavorless biscuits aren’t even in the same class as the ones Ma Wadsworth made.
“I don’t even know if I consider that s*** real biscuits. Mama used to bake in cinnamon and brown sugar for dessert biscuits, and she made the greatest biscuits and gravy you ever tasted, son” proclaimed Wadsworth. “In my house, the biscuit was basically its own food group.”
Wadsworth was a Parade All American coming out of high school, and big things are expected of him on the Hill. He was penciled in to get in on some nickel packages this year.
Thus, coach Ronnie Mac said that were he staying at the U, rather than going to Florida to pursue a shuffleboard career, he wouldn’t be turning a blind eye to the predicament.
“This could create a problem because we need D’aundre’s focus on the field. Something like this could cause unnecessary harm to his digestive track,” McBride said.
Frustrated, Wadsworth said, “I need my biscuits, and I can’t make it to KFC every day. They are my good luck charm before games, I eat at least a half dozen.”
Now, athletics director Chris Hill is looking for solutions. The first possible resolution is to fly in Ma Wadsworth and stick her in Heritage Commons, so she can work her unbelievable kitchen magic.
If something isn’t done soon, Wadsworth has threatened to transfer.
Disclaimer: The Comical is pure satire and appears at the beginning of every week on The Chronicle’s Web site. Please take the stories as jokes and don’t call your lawyer. Thanks.