He may not earn comparisons to Bo Jackson or Deion Sanders, but Ron McBride is no less a two-sport star for it.
Though primarily known for his football coaching, McBride is also a wicked-awesome shuffleboard player, having torn up the Florida Senior Leagues each of the last two summers.
Problem is, much like Jackson and Sanders found out, achieving true excellence often necessitates giving up one sport to be the best at the other.
So, with that in mind, McBride is leaving the Utes behind to go kick some ass in the Sunshine State.
“It’s been a few months since I’ve played shuffleboard, but when I was watching, you know, those Olympics on TV, and they had that one sport, that?oh, what do you call it??curling?yeah, curling?well, that’s kinda like shuffleboard on ice, and well, that just got me thinking about the sport again, and so, I just said one day, ‘I’m gonna do it,'” McBride said.
Much like the reaction Sanders got when he announced last year he was giving up football for baseball, however, many close to McBride have suggested to him that he’s abandoning the wrong sport.
“I was dumbfounded,” said U athletics director Chris Hill. “I mean, Mac just signed an extension here with us a little while back and now he tells me that he’s quitting to go play shuffleboard in Florida full time. Mac’s a great guy, but I have to wonder if he’s been hitting the sauce again.”
McBride denied the report of rampant alcoholism and justified his decision by saying that 40-plus years of football coaching had left him spent on that sport and eager for a new challenge to pursue.
“Look?I’ve been in this game for a long time, and I’ve accomplished just about everything there is to accomplish, except for, like, a national championship?or even a conference championship,” he said. “But hell, we got a top-10 ranking one year and we can pretty much make the Las Vegas Bowl any damn year we want. But with shuffleboard?I dunno, man, I’ve just got this thirst for using a long pole to slide these things down a narrow alleyway and try to hit a target.”
Though disappointed by his departure, the U football players expressed support for their soon-to-be-departed coach.
“I know coach Mac loves football, so this must be hard for him to do; but then again, he is pretty old, so we all kinda figured that, sooner or later, he’d be buying a Winnebago and heading down to Florida anyway,” said junior quarterback Lance Rice. “At least he picked a cool sport like shuffleboard to keep him busy. We were kinda worried he’d pick something wussy like canasta or dominos or backgammon.”
Meanwhile, as Hill began scrambling to fill the position, McBride began clearing out his office in preparation for the trip South and the shuffleboard exploits that will surely follow.
“It’s gonna be great, man?these guys are really competitive, but I think I can compete with anyone,” he said. “Before too long, I’ll be kicking the f?, I mean, beating the heck out of ‘Lefty’ Goldstein and establishing myself as the greatest shuffleboard player that ever lived?in Dade County.”
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