Despite its protestations to the contrary, it has long been rumored that the NCAA does not have a brain.
A bit of spring cleaning revealed that while the hypothesis was not entirely true, it was close enough.
Some rifling through a long abandoned filing cabinet in an NCAA headquarters storage room revealed the brain in a jar, and proved that, while the organization which oversees collegiate athletics does indeed have a brain, it has been dormant and unused for quite some time.
“While critics of the NCAA have long asserted that our idiotic and arcane policies were the direct result of our lacking a collective brain, we always assumed it was just attributable to hard hearts, shallow souls and an overall lack of common sense,” said NCAA spokesman Jim Shorts. “As it turns out, we do have a brain?we just didn’t know it, and we never actually used it.”
It is believed that the dormant brain, which used to enjoy substantial use by NCAA higher-ups, was misplaced when Shorts’ predecessor, Jim Class, left the organization amidst some scandal to pursue a career in transsexual prostitution, failed to turn possession of the brain over to Shorts, and an ignorant janitor placed the brain in the filing cabinet, which was subsequently wheeled into the vacant storage room.
Others merely believe that the brain was used as the ball in an intra-office game of soccer, and a wayward shot sent the ball spiraling into an open filing cabinet drawer, and no employee bothered to look to discern its location for more than 32.84 seconds.
Still more people believe that the brain found is not the NCAA’s brain at all, but part of a science experiment that gave sentience and feeling to the previously lifeless filing cabinet.
Though these particular individuals plan to file a lawsuit on behalf of any spawn the filing cabinet may have yielded in the course of its life, asserting cruel and unusual punishment and illegal removal of a brain, they are generally thought to possess as much intelligence as the cabinet itself and are discounted in virtually all circles.
Meanwhile, Shorts said that the missing status of the brain was sufficient explanation to justify the NCAA’s long and sordid history of enacting lame-ass, senseless, idiotic policies that protect no college athletes and serve only to uselessly entrap innocent sporting participants in wrongdoings that cost them eligibility.
“Why else would we create a rule that calls for the suspension of a football player who uses some of his scholarship money to buy a book his younger brother uses so that the player can study the subject and help the brother study?” asked Shorts. “And why else would we choose not to legislate areas like football players beating the hell out of party-goers with baseball bats?letting schools handle such things themselves?
“It’s all because our brain was missing,” he added.
Now that the NCAA has its brain back, Shorts promises that sweeping changes will subsume the idiotic statutes that have long permeated the NCAA and caused it to become an object of derision from college sports fans nationwide.
“Oh yeah?you’ll totally see changes,” he said. “We’re going to write some even dumber bylaws. If we could come up with the stupid s*** we’ve got without a brain, just imagine the vile, repugnant crap we can imagine with one.”
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