I know it turned out that some of my inside information has been “factually challenged.”
It’s true, last week I found the pants I was sure the Pentagon had stolen.
It turned out I just hadn’t done the laundry.
And maybe another explanation exists for the horde of potato bugs overrunning my house?personally, I still think Rush Limbaugh’s behind it.
But, this time, I promise, the news I’ve got is the real deal.
How many of you have walked by the new underground math lab at the U and realized something was “up.”
That’s right, I’m talking about the elevated “skylight” that looks like a “you know what” (you know what I’m talking about).
Now who in their right mind would design a “skylight” that is blatantly obscene unless there was something else going on.
So I put two and two together and it became crystal clear?the new math lab is really a next-generation thermonuclear missile silo!
Fact 1. The Bush administration announced the need for more specialized atomic weapons?essentially admitting that they’ve been working on them for years and some are already done.
Fact 1, um also. The administration let it leak that they are developing new atomic weapons strategies for certain nations. If you examine the angle of the “skylight,” it is clear that, adjusting for a 10 mph windshear, the lab is aimed right at Iraq.
Fact 2. The new “math lab” was completed just after the Olympics. Because the campus was in an Omega 5 level lockdown during the Opening and Closing ceremonies, it was easy to slip a 50 megaton warhead onto campus with no prying eyes around.
Fact 3. Is it just coincidence that more stringent residency requirements were passed at the same time? They don’t want potential foreign spies anywhere near the silo?U.S. citizens from the other 49 states just got caught in the crossfire.
Fact 4. The hallway where the nuclear lab in the Merrill Engineering Building is located has been closed for “renovations” for the past few months.
Might those “renovations” include laser protection systems, heat-seeking cyber attack dogs and biotic-zombie computer systems for in-flight navigational control so that the nuclear lab can double as a missile launch center?
I, for one, think so.
Fact 5. Is it just coincidence that the only fraternity house with direct tunnel access to the buildings immediately adjacent to the math lab was shut down for “alcohol violations”?
Have any of you actually seen a list of the “minors” who alcohol was served to?
Neither have I.
Let’s just say that the CIA’s $10 billion in discretionary spending can buy a lot of houses and a lot of silence.
Need any more convincing?
Try going into the “math lab” and asking them to do your homework for you since you don’t want to do it yourself.
The math tutors will just laugh in your face?would they do that in a real math lab?
If you have any more proof, don’t try to contact me, “they” have eyes and ears on every line in the Americas.
By they, of course, I mean the Libertarians.
Disclaimer: The Comical is pure satire and appears at the beginning of every week on The Chronicle’s Web site. Please take the stories as jokes and don’t call your lawyer. Thanks.