Women’s Center Announces New Courses
“You’re Too Good For Him” is the name of a new course to be offered during Summer Semester through the Women’s Resource Center.
“The motto for the new course, and our mantra here at the center is a woman’s rule of thumb: ‘If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it,'” said Dr. Irma LaRouche. “It may sound a bit extreme, but there you have it in a nutshell, the story of most women’s lives.”
“Three Little Words” is the name of the other new course. According to LaRouche, women should be able to say, “I think we’re close enough that we can discuss our relationship freely without feeling embarrassed. I hope I don’t make you uncomfortable when I go a step further and say those “Three Little Words” that sum up how I feel about having you as a friend? YOU’RE DAMN LUCKY!!”
Men are also welcome to attend this course, if they apologize beforehand.
Audition on Campus Sunday
Officials from Taco Bell and its ad agency, Harris and Love, held auditions on the U campus over the weekend for a new series of commercials to be filmed in Utah.
After screening dogs and other pets all day Saturday, three finalists were chosen to appear in the last audition Sunday.
One was Chico (the Chihuahua), the second was Bruce (a Doberman) and the last was Blarney, a bulldog.
The new commercials will once again feature the Chihuahua who won the part by giving the correct answer to the final question posed by interviewers:
“Assume a great-looking female Collie comes up to you and says, ‘Whoever uses the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ most creatively in a sentence can have me.’ What would your answer be?”
The Doberman conferred with his owner then answered, “I love liver and cheese.” He was promptly “gonged” off the stage.
The Bulldog said, “I hate liver and cheese.” He, too was “gonged” off the stage by the committee.
Then the Chihuahua jumped up on stage and said, “Liver alone, cheese mine.” He brought down the house and won the part.
Colleges of Philosophy and Music to Merge
Taking their que from the masters, the departments of philosophy and music will merge on a trial basis next semester. The first three course offerings will be:
To do is to be ?Descartes
To be is to do ?Voltaire
Do be do be do ?Frank Sinatra
English Dept Soup Study
“Do you ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?” asks Janice Mahogany, professor of English.
Mahogany was recently awarded a $55,000 grant from the Campbell Foundation to research the subject.
She and her team of students will take their questionnaires and many cans of soup into all areas of Salt Lake City’s urban jungle to get answers they hope will be “HMMMMM, HMMMMM,” good. The study will be published in her new book due out some time next year.
“This is the sixth book I will have written,” Mahogany said. “which ain’t bad for a gal who’s only read two.”
She promises an automatic ‘A’ for any of her students who can tell her what another word for ‘thesaurus’ is.
U Poet Makes Cheesy Point
Professor Kitty O’Henry, of the U’s creative writing department, announced that she will publish her new book of poetry shortly after Easter.
The working title for her book is “Oh, What a Friend We Have in Cheeses!”
“I have never been so excited about any project in my life, and that includes my husband,” O’Henry said.
According to O’Henry, famous writer G.K. Chesterton was quoted as saying, “Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.”
“Well, let me tell you,” O’Henry said, “I’ve now proven him wrong.”
O’Henry promises some really great stuff in her new book. She said it will be an “edge-of your-seat” read. Watch for it in bookstores near you, and bring along some stinky cheese to go with this stinky poetry.
Disclaimer: The Comical is pure satire and appears at the beginning of every week on The Chronicle’s Web site. Please take the stories as jokes and don’t call your lawyer. Thanks.