Studying the behavioral characteristics of animals has become boring to me. In order to fully realize self actualization, I must decipher what the hell coaches are actually saying to the press.
The U looks like the hotbed for amazing coaches’ quotes, so it looks as if our case study must be based there.
I have provided a list of amazing quotes that these fine coaches at the U have provided.
“I feel that we reached some of the goals this game,” said U volleyball coach Beth Launiere. “We just had to worry about what was going on on our side of the court, and not worry about what they were doing.”
Now, keep in mind, this was after a complete sweep.
What Launiere really meant:
“I think that kicking their asses this time was easier then every other time we play them. I swear to god that Air Force does not really have a volleyball team, and I really wish we could play them every single game so we could reach more of these goals that nobody cares about.”
Here’s another quote from Launiere, after a couple of her players, Alisa Geddes and Kelsie Kartchner, had so many service errors that it was the difference in the loss.
“We have some players who just need to work on serving, and then we will be able to win these close matches,” Launiere said.
What Launiere really meant:
“I swear on my life that Alisa and Kelsie are the epitome of choke artists, and if they pull this type of crap again, I will get physical.”
A little different than the original quote, but hey, who wouldn’t play it low-key?
Moving on from the volleyball team, we can observe the cross country team and coach Brian Appell.
“I think that we need to run our best at the Conference Championships, and that’s all I can ask for from my team,” Appell said.
What Appell really meant:
“God, my team sucks. I have one or two runners that can make a dent in these meets, but the rest of them could not show up and it wouldn’t make a difference. I can’t wait to see some of these runners graduate.”
And of course his next quote:
“Teren [Jameson] is an amazing runner,” Appell said.
What Appell really meant:
“I wish every one of our runners was like him, and how the hell did we recruit some of these fools and let them even represent the university? Not that anybody cares. This is cross country, after all.”
Touche, coach Appell.
Disclaimer: The Comical is pure satire and appears at the beginning of every week on The Chronicle’s Web site. Please take the stories as jokes and don’t call your lawyer. Thanks.