Ahhhhhhhhhh? Major League Baseball, easily the third-best professional sport on the planet, is underway yet again, and I, for one, am pleased as punch.
Of course, given that punch is an inanimate, non-sentient, liquified object, I’m not really sure how pleased it actually is, but I suppose it still fits the context of my mind-frame, given that, until the Lakers have secured their third straight championship and the NBA Finals have come to a close, I can’t really get all orgasmic about baseball, as Bob Costas is prone to do.
That being said, I’ll spare you the sappy, melodramatic, teary-eyed spiel about how baseball represents some grand element of our social fabric and how without our beloved national pastime, we would surely see all our values implode under the pressure of degenerate ideals and our culture devolve into a state of chaotic anarchy.
If you’re into that kind of thing, check out Jimmy Seaman’s column over yonder. I’m sure he’s frothing at the mouth about it and badly in need of some adult diapers by now.
As for me, I’m content to discuss how and why my Atlanta Braves will kick the slimy, green snot out of the Mets and all other comers in the National League East.
So, without further ado?
1. Atlanta Braves
If I had a heart, I’m sure it would fully believe that this is the year that Atlanta will finally put it all together.
It would say that starting stalwarts Greg Maddux and Tom Glavine are nowhere near over the hill, and still one of the best tandems in all of the MLB, that Kevin Millwood is healthy and ready for a return to wicked-ass No. 3 starter form, that newbie Jason Marquis will soon be a bigger stud than anyone Pamela Anderson’s ever made a porno with, and that bullpen is solid, with John Smoltz giving the team its first marquee closer since Mark Wohlers lost his control somewhere in the vicinity of Sheboygan.
It would also say that with leadoff-man extraordinaire Rafael Furcal returning from a separated shoulder and a disarticulated birth certificate, new-addition sluggers Gary Sheffield and Vinny Castilla providing more smack than even Robert Downey Jr. has laid eyes on, and Chipper and Andruw Jones returning to ol’ Turner Field as well, the offense should be considerably better than its 10th-place NL showing of a year ago.
Then again, I don’t have a heart, remember. So maybe I’ll just have to listen to the schizophrenia-induced voices in my head?
They’re all pretty sure the Mets are going down like Pamela Anderson in a por?
OK, you get it.
Projected Record: 98-64.
2. Philadelphia Phillies
Ooooohhhhh?The first big surprise of The Wallys?. Good thing Philly took the precaution of writing a second-place victory speech and picking out a stunning dress that Joan Rivers just couldn’t possibly shut up about.
Ummmm, here goes?
The Phillies would like to thank an underrated Bobby Abreu, the big-mouth-and-big bat-wielding Scott Rolen, a healthy Mike Lieberthal, a young rotation that includes Robert Person, Brandon Duckworth, Dave Coggin, Randy Wolf and Vicente Padilla, their girlfriend’s sister’s pal’s mom’s dog’s manicurist, Halle Berry, and, ummmm?
Their lawyer. Ohmygawd. Ohmygawd. Ohmygawd, ohmygawd, ohmygawd.
Projected Record: 87-75.
3. New York Mets
Over there in New Yawk, even the average Catholic priest scored more than the Mets last year. So they go and add Roberto Alomar, Mo Vaughn, Jeromy Burnitz and Roger Cedeo to a team that already included Mike “What Can You Get for a Buck?” Piazza and Edgardo Alfonzo.
Lots of bats.
Still no arms, though.
When your rotation consists of Al Leiter, Pedro Astacio, Shawn Estes and Jeff D’Amico, the leader of your local parish could probably light up your scoreboard.
All in all, a bigger flop than Bob Dole without his Viagra.
Projected Record: 84-78
4. Florida Marlins
The Fishies had to trade prized closer Antonio Alfonseca after he got into a confrontation with the team’s strength trainer?who also just happens to be a professional wrestler known as “The Demon”?and wound up locking himself in a closet.
Let that be a lesson to all you future GMs out there: Never employ a guy who calls himself “The Demon” and paints his face like Gene Simmons from Kiss. It can really foul up your already lame-o roster.
Projected Record: 70-92
5. Montral ExposOne more year until permanent nap-time, kiddies.Projected Record: 8-154
Eric welcomes feedback at: [email protected].