It is the short straw, the middle child, the ugly sister, the wrong end of the wishbone, the red-headed step-daughter, or any other euphemism meant to express that which is inadequate and/or looked upon with disfavor?

Whatever you call it, the American League Central division is generally less stellar than Shelly Long’s post “Cheers” rsum.

At least after Doug Mientkiewicz gets contracted following the coming season we won’t have to see him get dressed up as the mom from “The Brady Bunch,” though.

Or so we hope, anyway?especially considering that A.J. Pierzynski would be far more believable in the role.

Nevertheless, though Mientkiewicz, Pierzynski and all their screwy-surnamed cohorts will likely get more attention this season for their lack of opportunity to make long-term real estate transactions in the Land o’ 10,000 Lakes than any squad will for its on-the-field exploits, the courts have insisted that, for the time being, the games must go on.

That being said?

1. Minnesota Twins

In 1976, Ernesto Miranda was stabbed to death in a fight. Police arrested a suspect, but after exercising his Miranda right to remain silent, he was released and eventually went free, as authorities couldn’t conjure up sufficient evidence to pin the murder on him.

If the Twinkies were to win this division, it would be only slightly less ironic; sort of a big middle finger and a “Yo Mama!” to commissioner Bud Selig.

Assuming the “pressure” of facing contraction after the year doesn’t send them plummeting further than Enron stock (and we all know that playing 162 baseball games is just about as pressure-packed as you can get), than Mini-sota could maybe actually pull it off.

You’ve got a rotation with four solid starters?which is about two-and-a-quarter more than any other team in the division?in Eric Milton, Brad Radke, Joe Mays and Rick Reed, and they could even be enough to overcome a bullpen thinner than Kate Moss with anorexia (but that was a little redundant, wasn’t it?).

The strategy of throwing the starters seven innings per and praying to God, Buddha, Yahweh, Zeus and any other deity you can conjure once the ‘pen takes the field should work more often than not.

Offensively, there’s no thumper in the lineup to speak of, but the aggressive, small ball style they play (think Jeff Van Gundy attached to Alonzo Mourning’s leg in the NBA Playoffs) works for them. Minkie was the high average man at .306, while Corie Koskie and Torii Hunter combined for 53 HRs and 195 RBI. Those latter two also lead a Gold Glove fielding contingent that will save them a couple wins during the year.

All in all, barring a second half collapse like they had last year, these Twin City Titans should be encouraging the commish to take up bird watching as a hobby.

Projected Record: 91-71

2. Chicago White Sox

This group sports more wood than all the males combined attending a party at Hugh Hefner’s mansion. Hundred-run scorers like Kenny Lofton and Ray Durham precede a healthy Frank Thomas (who is MLB’s active leader in on-base percentage, at .438) in the order. Then he’s followed by Magglio Ordoez and Paul Konerko, who averaged .294/32/106 between them last year. Pretty much more offensive than anything that’s ever come out of Howard Stern’s mouth.

The downside to the ChiSox, however, is that all the supposed live young arms they brought in have gangrene or something. Starter Mark Beuhrle (16-8, 3.29 ERA) and closer Keith Foulke (2.33 ERA, 42 saves) are solid, but everyone else who makes his living from the mound has been erratic as the part in Selig’s rug.

Projected Record: 87-75

3. Cleveland Indians

The pitching tandem of Bartolo Colon and C.C. Sabathia (who was second only to Ichiro in last year’s AL Rookie of the Year balloting) should keep them above the break-even mark. But losing Juan Gonzalez and Robbie Alomar from the lineup relegates the offense to Paralympic-Closing-Ceremony fireworks, rather than Fourth of-July-fireworks.

Jim Thome (.291/49/124) will contribute, and left fielder Russ Branyan could lead the league is moon-shots, but is also all but guaranteed to average as many Ks per game as a certain white supremacist group does per acronym.

Now, if only they’d get rid of that Chief Wahoo logo?

Projected Record:82-80

4. Detroit Tigers

After thorough consideration, my decision to place the Motor City Kitties ahead of the Kansas City Steakhouses was arrived at by a very scientific method?

The nickel came up “heads.”

Projected Record: 60-102

5. Kansas City Royals

If you want to start with a team ripe for contraction?

Then go to Florida, where the Marlins and Devil Rays garner less support than hanging chads.

Then come to KC.

Projected Record: 53-109

Eric welcomes feedback at: [email protected].