SALT LAKE COUNTY JAIL?In a new development in the ongoing U porn scandal, The Comical has identified Dean of Students Stayner Landward as the “mini Porn Czar.”
In its April 1 edition, The Comical outed ASUU President Ben Lowe as the massive porn freak he is. Little did we know that only a week later, the beloved and well respected Landward would be public porn freak No. 2.
Landward is the principal administrator in charge of student discipline. He also oversees Greek Row and works closely with student groups. But after the news broke on Friday few student groups want anything to do with Landward.
“That dude looks at porn. Eww!” said Joe Bob Johnson, a member of Sigma Chi.
The Comical found Landward’s porn after an anonymous call led to an illegal breaking and entering. The Comical couldn’t jimmy his door open so we just broke a back window and started rummaging through his house.
Unfortunately, Landward was home.
“Elvis, I will have you arrested. Get the hell out of my house,” said the dean who was holding the new edition of Naked Administrators magazine.
Landward wasn’t joking. This story comes to you straight from lock down, where a surprising number of individuals also like to look at porn.
Still, many members of The Comical staff are not in jail and were able to further investigate the story.
When Lowe heard the news he said, “Finally, some other well respected member of the campus community will undergo the humiliation I have had to endure since The Comical staff decided to blow my little habit out of proportion and ruin my life. Those bastards! I will sue them as soon as possible. I will soon own The Comical. It will become the ASUU ‘Ben Lowe Doesn’t Look at Porn’ Comical. You will see. You will all see.”
He then laughed and laughed and laughed in a really scary voice.
U President Bernie Machen will not comment on the porn scandal and will not answer questions about his own supposed porn fetish.
“What the hell did you ask me? You little good for nothing piece of crap. Get out of my office!” was his only response.
Disclaimer: The Comical is pure satire and appears at the beginning of every week on The Chronicle’s Web site. Please take the stories as jokes and don’t call your lawyer. Thanks.